Raven's Story - In Loving Memory
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| Her toy was never far from her - See ball on left |
'Tis the season and I am not celebrating it. I am having nothing to do with Christmas at all. I actually started losing interest in Christmas two years ago when I was essentially ditched and left alone for Christmas day. Last year I was laid off right before Christmas, which doesn't exactly throw you into the holiday spirit when you were already struggling with it, but did my best to at least decorate. This year I feel I have nothing to celebrate at all. Yes, I am aware there are many that have it far worse than I do, yet that doesn't help me feel I have something to celebrate. I have had a couple of offers of invites to spend Christmas at other people's places, but the point is I am not celebrating it at all. Going to where someone else is celebrating when I am so down is not going to help them or I. Though, I appreciated the offers. I don't feel capable of "faking it" for Christmas celebrations and I am not about to ruin someone else's celebrations. If I thought it would help, I would do it, but I know in my hurting heart that it will not help me.
Putting up the tree would be unbearably painful. There are several custom ornaments that were made for Raven and other ornaments that have pictures of her, as well as pictures of her and I. Looking at them any other year will be painful, but right now truly would send me further down.
Raven never bothered with the tree at all. Actually, out of the four, the only one that caused a real issue was Soleil. She would be up and down the tree and thought all ornaments were toys. Ashley just cared about sleeping under the tree. Trixie constantly tried to eat the tree. He thought all flowers/plants were for him whether they were real or fake. Raven liked to lay under the tree, but her big issue was the tree skirt. She didn't like it all straightened out. She preferred to bunch it up. If you straightened it, she would bunch it up in the middle again. It was an ongoing issue every year.
I don't have any photos of the tree skirt bunched all the way up in the middle and I wish I did. While Raven was amazing with not caring about the tree and the ornaments, you could never leave presents under the tree. Her love of paper led her to rip all the gifts open. She just couldn't resist. I don't have any pictures of those memories either. The last five pictures are of a box she didn't fit in too well, but that never stopped her.
Raven seemed to love Christmas. She loved the socializing, attention and the best part for her were the boxes. She loved opening them and squeezing in. I guess that was one of the rare cat-like traits she had. All of the examples below are boxes she opened herself. The last
Raven's other favorite part about Christmas was probably the bags - another "cat-like" feature of hers, I suppose.
It was really all bags. Raven had to know what was in there. It even happened with a chip bag that still had chips in it. She didn't touch the chips at all. If your hand was in a chip bag, a lot of times she would attack it from the outside. Yes, in the picture below she is on the table. A friend and I were just playing a game. If there was actual food on the table or a meal was being eaten at it, she never jumped up on it. I think my nephew taught her that when she was younger with the Cheerios incidents. I rarely eat at the table anyway, but she knew not to do it. Perhaps it was just part of her "good girl" instinct.
Raven was spoiled with several toys for Christmas for a few years as well. It wasn't me who bought them because I knew better. Raven had no interest in any new toy, just her regular favorites were all she needed and wanted. However, was interested in one new toy for a very short period of time. Probably the length it took to take the picture. I tried to get her interested in it a few times over the years and it was a no go. See below.
I am still so lost without Raven and it's been a month. Raven was my one and only unconditional constant. Any other constant I thought I have had in the past turned out to be an illusion on my part. Raven was my world. Right or wrong, that's what it was. It was that strong bond and her outgoing, smart, loving personality. I knew I would lose her one day because cats have shorter lifespans than humans, but to lose her under the conditions that I did was not expected. It's like one day she was fine and the next she was gone. I think that's why I am struggling more. It's been suggested to me that I have not accepted the loss and that is likely true. I don't know how to accept this one under these circumstances. I still wonder if I should have done more to try and save her rather than "letting her go". Her whole life I thought I was doing everything right for her and now I feel like I did everything wrong. I absolutely still blame myself for the situation that led to her death. I can't see any "good" reason why this happened. I am trying to find some good that can come out of it and just can't seem to find anything. Maybe her story will somehow save another animal, but that doesn't help me cope with my unexpected loss. I feel this loss every minute of every day from the moment I wake up in tears to the moment I finally fall asleep at night. I guess my inability to accept this loss is why I keep cycling and circling through the stages of grief.
*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*
*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.
Putting up the tree would be unbearably painful. There are several custom ornaments that were made for Raven and other ornaments that have pictures of her, as well as pictures of her and I. Looking at them any other year will be painful, but right now truly would send me further down.
Raven never bothered with the tree at all. Actually, out of the four, the only one that caused a real issue was Soleil. She would be up and down the tree and thought all ornaments were toys. Ashley just cared about sleeping under the tree. Trixie constantly tried to eat the tree. He thought all flowers/plants were for him whether they were real or fake. Raven liked to lay under the tree, but her big issue was the tree skirt. She didn't like it all straightened out. She preferred to bunch it up. If you straightened it, she would bunch it up in the middle again. It was an ongoing issue every year.
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| Raven and Ashley under the tree |
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| In this one you can see where Raven is starting to bunch it up |
I don't have any photos of the tree skirt bunched all the way up in the middle and I wish I did. While Raven was amazing with not caring about the tree and the ornaments, you could never leave presents under the tree. Her love of paper led her to rip all the gifts open. She just couldn't resist. I don't have any pictures of those memories either. The last five pictures are of a box she didn't fit in too well, but that never stopped her.
 |
| Likely plotting how to open them all while I sit right there - Note her toy close to her again! |
Raven seemed to love Christmas. She loved the socializing, attention and the best part for her were the boxes. She loved opening them and squeezing in. I guess that was one of the rare cat-like traits she had. All of the examples below are boxes she opened herself. The last
Raven's other favorite part about Christmas was probably the bags - another "cat-like" feature of hers, I suppose.
It was really all bags. Raven had to know what was in there. It even happened with a chip bag that still had chips in it. She didn't touch the chips at all. If your hand was in a chip bag, a lot of times she would attack it from the outside. Yes, in the picture below she is on the table. A friend and I were just playing a game. If there was actual food on the table or a meal was being eaten at it, she never jumped up on it. I think my nephew taught her that when she was younger with the Cheerios incidents. I rarely eat at the table anyway, but she knew not to do it. Perhaps it was just part of her "good girl" instinct.
Raven was spoiled with several toys for Christmas for a few years as well. It wasn't me who bought them because I knew better. Raven had no interest in any new toy, just her regular favorites were all she needed and wanted. However, was interested in one new toy for a very short period of time. Probably the length it took to take the picture. I tried to get her interested in it a few times over the years and it was a no go. See below.
I am still so lost without Raven and it's been a month. Raven was my one and only unconditional constant. Any other constant I thought I have had in the past turned out to be an illusion on my part. Raven was my world. Right or wrong, that's what it was. It was that strong bond and her outgoing, smart, loving personality. I knew I would lose her one day because cats have shorter lifespans than humans, but to lose her under the conditions that I did was not expected. It's like one day she was fine and the next she was gone. I think that's why I am struggling more. It's been suggested to me that I have not accepted the loss and that is likely true. I don't know how to accept this one under these circumstances. I still wonder if I should have done more to try and save her rather than "letting her go". Her whole life I thought I was doing everything right for her and now I feel like I did everything wrong. I absolutely still blame myself for the situation that led to her death. I can't see any "good" reason why this happened. I am trying to find some good that can come out of it and just can't seem to find anything. Maybe her story will somehow save another animal, but that doesn't help me cope with my unexpected loss. I feel this loss every minute of every day from the moment I wake up in tears to the moment I finally fall asleep at night. I guess my inability to accept this loss is why I keep cycling and circling through the stages of grief.
*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*
*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.
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