Raven's Story - Events Leading Up To The Day My World Was Shattered

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

February 16, 2005-November 19, 2014

On November 19th, 2014 shortly after 1:00PM, my world was shattered by the sudden and unexpected loss of my baby, Raven, at the age of 9.  Raven was my cat, but as I hope to show with honoring her by telling her story, she was no ordinary cat.  Her personality and intelligence were larger than life and above and beyond what most think of when they think of felines.  Everyone who met Raven was touched by her in some way.  Raven and I were bonded far stronger than I ever thought possible with a cat.  Not only do I hope to honour her with this, but I also don't want to forget much about her.  I want to keep the memories alive so that I don't forget them.

Before I get in to her story from the beginning of her life, I want to write about what prompted me to do this blog to begin with (if anyone has any other ideas as to how to get her story together beyond blogging, I am open to suggestions).

Losing Raven was like losing a child for me.  I have lost three cats prior to her, which will be brought up at some point, but one other was also a very sudden, unexpected, devastating loss that I feel was taken far too young from me at the age of five, and I had a strong bond with her as well, but the one with Raven was stronger than I could have ever imagined.  In my opinion, Raven died far too young at the age of nine, especially for an indoor cat.  I am hearing and seeing more and more about indoor cats living upwards of 20 years.  

I would give anything to have Raven back.  To be able to to touch her beautiful face.  To be able to get a kissy face from her (I will get into what that is and post pictures down the road).  I can't sleep, and definitely not in the bed.  Raven slept with me every night - straight through the night.  Not just on the bed, but snuggled right in. If I slept on the couch, she slept there too. She always had to be touching whether it was in bed or on the couch.  I am devastated, still in shock, lost, shattered, heart broken, dead inside, grieving, angry and feeling guilty and at fault.  Raven was my shadow.  It's been over a week and I still look for her in her usual spots.  When I get up from the computer I expect to see her on the bed or on the floor in the closet on the bed she made for herself.  When I am sitting on the couch I still expect her to come around the corner when so that she can come sit with me.  When I see a black shadow, I think it's her.  

On November 4th, 2014 I started to notice she was walking slow, having trouble jumping up, stopping to lick her genitals, having trouble getting comfortable in bed and hiding a bit (she rarely hid, so that was a scary symptom for me).  I thought that she was either having hip trouble, or dealing with a bladder infection.  I brought her in to the vet on November 7th and was shocked when a large bump was discovered on her back end.  As it was, this was a new vet for us because our prior vet sold their practice, but a friend had already dealt with him and said she liked him, so I went with that.  He shaved Raven's back end and we discovered the lump was about the size of a golf ball.  I should add that Raven has been dubbed "one of the calmest cats we have ever dealt with by her new vet team and her previous vet team.  She was such a trooper and let any medical procedures/exams be performed without freaking out, biting, hissing or having to be sedated.  The lump was a suspected abscess or worst case scenario was tumor.  That was when I learned that abscesses generally only happen in multi-cat households or if the cat goes outside and gets into a fight.  Neither one of those scenarios fit Raven.  I was left crying when I learned that I had to leave her there so they could open her up and find out what's going on.  I was so scared because we had a health scare two years ago, which I will bring up at a later time, but she made it through that one, even though it was a bit of a fight back to health when we discovered the issue.  I came home to wait for the phone call as to what we were up against.  I was terrified to lose her.  I knew what that would do to me.

A few hours later I got the call to let me know that it was in fact a large abscess and they removed and drained it.  She made it through the surgery and did very well.  I was told I could pick her up and they would be sending her home with antibiotics and pain medication.  Antibiotics were to be taken for two weeks and pain meds for 4 days.  There was also a drain in the area that was to be removed the following Monday.  I was told to expect oozing from it and to clean the area with warm water and epsom salt a few times a day.  When I picked her up I asked what the timeline was for an abscess to get the size Raven's was and I was told 3-4 weeks, at which time I figured out how it happened.  I had a little pug mix over that matched that timeline, that I had looked after before, but the two were definitely not friends.  The dog went after her, but I had no idea she was nipped.  I remember the tuft of hair on the floor and recently I remembered seeing a couple of tiny spots on the bed sheets that I had a feeling were from Raven, but she seemed fine.  I also knew nothing about abscesses at the time because I had never had an outdoor cat and my previous 3 cats in a multi-cat household never fought violently.

I was so relieved to be picking her up.  Little did I know that it was to be the beginning of this nightmare I am in now. She had to wear the cone collar so that she didn't go at the surgery site, but we went through that once before.  Raven was well aware of the fact that if she came and sat with me, she could have the cone off. Raven didn't sleep for two days straight and I stayed up right along with her.  Initially I thought it was from the anesthesia or just being in pain, but in retrospect I now wonder if it was the pain medication itself, for reasons that will make sense in a while.  On Saturday I was having trouble cleaning the wound properly and I could tell it was bothering her for me to do it.  I called my friend and neighbor down the hall and asked for help.  Thankfully she came to the rescue and showed me how to clean the wound a little easier.  I followed the rest of the instructions properly as far as medications go.  Raven was so easy to give pills to.  She never fought it!

By Sunday, Raven was finally so tired that she was finally able to sleep.  

A friend looked in on her on Monday while I worked and at that point, that was all she could do because Raven wasn't her biggest fan at the time.  Monday night was the return visit to the vet for the drain removal.  She seemed to be healing well, but that was all about to change.  I did mention to the vet that she was awake for two days straight after the surgery, but he didn't have much to say.

Monday night Raven continued to rest, enjoying every moment with the cone off.

Tuesday was the last day of her pain meds, well really it was an NSAID, Meloxicam and that's the day everything changed.  If I knew then what I know now, I would never have let that drug or any NSAID enter her body.  Raven started vomiting and originally I thought it was because of a few treats given to her the day before by my friend who didn't know that she wasn't supposed to have them.  I called the vet and informed him.  It was awful. The vomit was all over her cone and her face and she wouldn't let my friend near her to clean it up.  I knew I had to get Raven and my friend to bond.  I also knew the reason why my friend was the only human in the world that Raven met that she didn't like.  It was all circumstantial.

Snuggled up to me and using my knee as a pillow on Tuesday night

On Wednesday I left for work in the morning and came home late morning to work.  I felt so guilty knowing if Raven vomited that she would basically be sitting in it all day.  Sure enough, Raven vomited again while I was at work. In the mean time, my friend was already going to come in and check on her, so I met up with her when I got home. We took the opportunity for the two to bond while I was there.  Once I started working, my friend stayed so Raven could have the cone off.  They finally started to bond! There's my Raven bonding with her, always having to touch the ones she knows and loves.

Voila! The bonding was well on its way!

Wednesday night and Thursday the vomiting continued along with her having less and less of an appetite.  I continued to work at home on Thursday so that she could be monitored and cleaned up as needed.  I reached out to the vet again and we decided to stop the antibiotics and start probiotics with the hope that she would be back to herself in a day or two.  She couldn't even keep the probiotics down.  We didn't know if this was a reaction to the antibiotics or a flare up of the pancreatitis that she had suffered with two years earlier.  On Friday she continued to vomit and eat only a small amount.  My friend was kind enough to spend Friday afternoon with Raven so that she could have her cone off. 

The two of them are fully bonded in this picture

My sweet Raven showing her love to her new friend

Saturday was much of the same, so back we went to the vet.  Raven had lost a pound in one week.  She wasn't showing signs of dehydration.  The vet decided to try an anti-nausea shot and send her home.  At the time, that seemed to help.  Looking back now I see more signs of what led to her death, but I thought she was coming around.  She ate a bit more, seemed more lively, vomited less and was wandering the halls, which was a favorite past time of hers.  She seemed more active than she had been since Tuesday.  An alarming symptom appeared on Saturday night.  Raven wet the bed and had no idea that she did it.  She was still sleeping in the area that we were both sleeping in, which is where she urinated.  It was worrisome, but seemed isolated.  I thought maybe some weird reaction from the shot on Saturday.  

Sunday during the day was a slight repeat of Saturday, but she did seem to be acting very strange.  She kept gravitating towards the bathroom, seemed a bit out of it and I noticed she was drinking quite a bit more.  Even with the strange happenings, she still continued to eat, although not as much as she should have, and she had not vomited.  I really thought by Monday we would be past this hump. 

I called the vet as soon as I got to work Monday morning to report everything that had happened since Saturday and still, he didn't seem to think about what the actual issue was.  Upon arriving home from work Monday evening I quickly realized that she had not eaten much, had vomited and was weak.  It was too late to get her to the vet, but at this point I was really worried.  I didn't understand what was going on.  How can a simple procedure of an abscess removal turn into something so complicated?  I knew from past experiences that Raven could be quite sensitive, but this was scaring me.  It finally occurred on Monday night that I have a pharmacist friend that has some experience with animals and medications along with medical issues she had with her own baby who has since passed. (RIP Snickers) - I don't know why I didn't think of calling her before.

After speaking with my friend I felt a little calmer because what she said made sense.  The theory was that because Raven already has digestive issues, the antibiotics messed up her stomach so bad that she needed something to help her get over the hump and past all the nausea, and there was a lot of nausea.  I learned how to detect nausea in cats two years prior when I had the first scare with Raven.  

I stayed home from work Tuesday morning to call the vet right away and tell him about the conversation.  Plus, I wanted to be available in case he wanted us to come in.  He wasn't sure what to make of that and admitted it could be a possibility, but he was also worried about a flare up of previous issues.  He wanted to do full panel bloodwork, which I was okay with, but there was no guarantee that we would get an answer and it could lead to nothing but prolonged perplexity and testing.  I wanted Raven to feel better and knew with her not eating we were running out of time.  The vet was unsure of where and knowing I just spent a lot on the surgery and money was an issue, he was trying to find out the best way to go that would be worth it.  He decided that a visit to the Emergency Vet Hospital for a second opinion from an Internal Medicine Specialist the next day.  The only problem with that is that it's in the next city, I don't drive and cab fare would be expensive.  I made a phone call to see if I could get a ride for the next day.  Thankfully the person dropped everything knowing how much Raven meant to me and agreed to come in to take us.  I called the vet back and had them make the appointment for Wednesday.  I also made an appointment to bring Raven in that evening to try another anti-nausea shot.  At this point she had lost a pound and a half in a week and a half since the surgery.  I feel horrible because that shot made her worse.  Not only did she not eat Tuesday night, but she was gagging and dry heaving.  Neither one of us slept because the nausea, gagging and dry heaving went on all night.  

By the time Wednesday morning arrived she was really weak and I was terrified.  Her meow in the car was so weak.  It scared me.  We met with the Internal Medicine Specialist who already had my vet's report, but asked me to tell her my story.  I told her everything that had happened in the last week and a half.  She examined her, but later revealed that the entire time I was talking she already had a strong suspicion of what the problem was.  After finishing the exam we decided the best course was to start with full panel bloodwork and bloodwork to check her kidneys that we would get the results from within 30 minutes.  

They were supposed to do the bloodwork and bring Raven back to me in the waiting room to wait for the results.  Almost an hour had passed and still no Raven.  I went and asked at the front if this was standard and they said, "not usually, let me go see what's going on".  I had a horrible feeling.  About 15 minutes later we were called to a different room to wait.

The doctor came in without Raven and I knew it was bad.  She explained the Raven was in severe acute kidney failure and it was caused by the Meloxicam. The rest is blurry, but I will write what I do remember, or close to it.  She said her number was so high it was a number rarely seen. It was 1425 and that is not an easy number to bring back down.  If they did, they weren't sure how long it would take to do it, a few days or a week or longer, and how close to normal it would come.  She also said they wouldn't be sure how long it would last, how sick she would be and how much medical care she would require.  The one that got me was when she said, "We aren't sure how much brain damage there is" and that's when the last few days flashed back to me in rapid succession.  I remember the last several days where she would have moments where she seemed like she wasn't there.  She was non-responsive at times.  I would look right at her and say her name, but it was like she was looking right through me and had no idea who she was.  The strange behavior from Saturday night on.  It was all making sense now.  Ultimately the odds were not good and she was gently urging me that it would be best to let her go, but the decision was mine.  Those days flashing back in my mind, I did not want Raven to suffer and not be able to be her.  I couldn't stop crying the whole time she was talking.  

With the decision made, we were led to a different room where they would bring Raven to me and I could spend as much time with her as I needed to.  They came in a few times and I kept saying I needed more time.  I did not want to give her to them to take her to put the catheter in.  I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.  She did have a couple of moments of being Raven and gave me a kissy face a few times.  I think she knew.  I finally let them take her to prepare her, but I knew if I didn't at that moment, I never would have.  They brought her back in and I had her snuggled up against me with her head on my lap for her final moments.  I kissed her, was petting her and kept telling her how much I love her.  The Internal Medicine Specialist kept telling me I was doing the right thing, but I couldn't see how any of this was right.  How it got this bad and why I was losing her so young.

My last few minutes with my Raven

I died right along with her.  Raven was not "just a cat".  There is no replacing her or replacing a bond that was that strong.  I blame myself.  I feel like I failed her and put her in harms way.  I'm angry that the vet didn't put two and two together and thing to check her kidneys.  The issue started on the last day of the four day course of the NSAID, I think it should have been a consideration, especially when she continued to get worse. I am second-guessing everything, including my decision to let her go.  Even though the doctor said I was doing the right thing, there is still a part of me that wonders if she could have made it through this one too.  I feel like I killed her.

I hate coming home.  I cry before I even get in the door because she is not going to be there to greet me, happy to see me and ready for hugs and kissy faces while she talks and talks.  I talk to people about what I am feeling and I am grateful there are so many who understand, but it's not helping me to feel any better about all of this.  I grieve and cry just as much, if not worse, now than I did a week and a half ago.  

This is the first time I haven't had a cat around.  Due to the fact that I knew Raven had to be an only cat once the older two passed on, it was just her and I for the last five years.  A few have suggested that I get another one because I "have so much love to give", but this time it's different.  Raven set the bar so high that I think I would have unrealistic expectations.  I worry I would always compare and look for things that would never happen - like I would be trying to replace her.  I go back and forth with the decision, but I still feel like I would be trying to replace her.  As strange as it may sound, I also feel like Raven's things were her things! I would never use any of them for another cat.  I want to make a shadow box of her three favorite items.  They will be brought up when I get more into her stories.

They say everything happens for a reason.  Well, I have had three major life changing events happen in a short amount of time, two of them within a week of each other and all three pretty traumatizing.  A week after losing Raven I found out that the company I work for is closing my division of Canadian operations.  I can't figure out the reasons all of this would be happening.  The only thing I have been able to come up with is that it is my time to go too and that's why my whole world has been ripped away from me.  Maybe wishful thinking at this point because I am in such a dark place, but I can't think of any "good" reasons coming out of any of this.

My next post will start from the beginning of her life with subsequent posts doing the best I can to honor her by telling her story through good memories.  Right now the memories of the last week and a half of her life is what is stuck in my head.