Raven's Story - Happy Birthday, Raven!

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

This was taken on her birthday last year

February 16, 2005-November 19, 2014

Happy Birthday, Raven! Today would have been Raven's 10th birthday, so emotionally it's not a good day for me.  I really do seem to miss her more everyday. I can't shake feeling guilty and that she should still be here with me. I don't know if she hears me or not, but I do say, "kissy face, Raven" and
"I miss you and love you" daily, just in case she is actually around somewhere and can hear me. I don't know how long I will continue to do that daily, but right now it's something I feel I have to do.  I still miss those kissy faces so much. It's not something I can teach to Luna because as mentioned before, it's something Raven did from the beginning and all I did was teach her a phrase to go with the action. Plus, it was Raven's thing.

I took the two below pictures on her birthday last year as well.

I finally received her paw prints last Wednesday, which marked 12 weeks that she died. They also sent me a lock of her hair. Of course the arrival of this package brought on a fresh breakdown. While I do still cry at least once a day because I miss her, the paw prints and lock of hair created uncontrollable sobbing. I still don't know if I am going to put her paw print with the other three prints of Trixie, Ashley and Soleil, or if I am going to put it in her shadow box when that gets done. The lock of hair surprised me. I remember the Internal Medicine Specialist saying something about her hair, but I don't remember any decision about keeping a lock of her hair.  

Raven's paw prints

Raven's lock of hair

Even though it's been almost five weeks that I have had Luna, it still feels a bit strange and foreign to me.  Don't get me wrong, I love her more than I thought possible, especially considering the deep level of grief I am still experiencing.  Having her just feels a bit strange sometimes. I wouldn't say it feels wrong, just weird. I'm sure it will get easier as time passes and we establish our own routines.  While Luna is extremely loving and snuggly, I miss my snuggle bunny Raven so much. 

Lately I have been thinking about and missing how Raven used to basically rearrange items in the apartment and how she used to seem to love to scare the crap out of herself. Whenever I would print something, she would come running to the printer and try and stick her head in where the paper came out, but she would constantly jump back from being startled. Raven would also come in the bathroom when I was in there and startle herself with the shower curtain. That one is hard to explain, but she would stick her head underneath between the two curtains and then jump back in a startled manner.  It's like she loved to scare the crap out of herself. The result was always the same.

As far as moving things around, it started fairly young. She used to jump up in the linen closet and knock the amount of towels down that she wanted gone in order to be comfortable.  See pictures below.  Occasionally she would bring her toy (the one and only ball) up there with her and forget that's where she left it, which would lead to a meltdown because she couldn't find it.

I have this cat tent, and the only one who really seemed to enjoy it was Ashley. I think she would go in there to get away with Raven. Sometimes Raven would try and play attack Ashley from the outside of the tent, but would never dare go in and try anything while Ashley was in there.  One night I came out to the living room to find that Raven decided to move the tent to the other side of the room. I didn't hear any commotion as she was doing this, so I am not sure how long it took her. The first picture is just a random one of her sitting behind the tent, hiding as if I can't see her? Not sure! However, the other two are where the tent normally sits and where Raven moved it to.

Where the tent normally sits

Where Raven decided she wanted it

It was a one time occurrence, but still pretty funny.

There was another time where she decided she wanted a blanked that was piled under my dolphin pillow pet and a sheet that is kept beside the couch.  My smart girl moved everything to pull the blanket out.  Raven pulled it off of the Wii board on the the floor where she wanted it.  Of course that was after knocking the pillow over and pulling it out from under the sheet.

I just miss her so much and I wish the grieving would stop hurting so badly.  I miss how she would purr the minute you would look at her. Raven was such a relaxed, trusting and happy girl!  I just don't know how to get over this loss.

Happy Birthday, Raven!!!! 

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them