Raven's Story - Grieving Continues - When Will it Get Better?

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

My original plan was to have this post be the continuation of "Raven's Bond With V", but since the last couple of days have been particularly bad for grieving Raven, I went with this theme instead. My partial OCD nature would prefer to have the posts in some sort of order, but this one will be the exception. The story of Raven and V will continue in the next post.

While my grief might not be quite as intense as 7.5 weeks ago, it's still pretty bad. While right before I go to sleep and as soon as I open my eyes are a given as far as crying goes, there are days where I cry less throughout the day, especially if I am kept occupied by a variety of people and things.  There are days where the tears flow just as much as they did they day she died and the last couple of days have been like that.

I often read the below poem and others that people have sent me over the last couple of months and while they make sense, they don't help me to feel better about this loss. I have had this poem in my possession for almost 10 years as I believe it was given to me after Soleil died. I just don't remember how I ended up with it.  The problem still lies in my guilt feeling.  I am not sure that the "last battle" couldn't have been won anymore and it's too late to find out.

If It Should Be...

If it should be that I grow weak.

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand;

Don't let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years -

What is to come can hold no fears.

You'd not want me to suffer so;

The time has come, so let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend

And please stay with me until the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve - it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We've been so close, we two these years -

Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

My niece sent me the below article the other day and it's greatly appreciated. I edited it to include both the words dog and cat. I also replaced the word, "dog" with, "pet" in the main article.

15 ENCOURAGING THINGS TO REMEMBER AFTER THE LOSS OF A CAT/DOG

"As we wrap up 2014 and look toward 2015, we can’t help but think about all the amazing dogs that have passed on this past year.  The support and friendship offered up to those who lost a pet has been nothing short of amazing and proves that there really is no breed of people better than pet lovers.

While no one can take the heartbreak away, it helps to openly miss our beloved pets and to remember them always.

We like to reflect on the joy that dogs bring and to consider that as our pets watch over us, they would want us to be happy and at peace.

To help you do just that, here are some encouraging things to remember after the loss of your pet.

1.       It’s okay to cry.  Reach out to those who understand your grief and let them hold you up.

2.       You gave your cat/dog the best life possible-you did all you could and had there been a way, they would still be with you.

3.       It is always goodbye. Sometime, someday, we all have to say a final goodbye.  As much as we wish it was not so, some goodbyes come sooner rather than later but it does not change the fact that our cats/dogs are only a temporary gift to treasure here on earth.

4.       Reflect on the ways your cat/dog made you a better person and in their honor, continue to live up to their standards every day.

5.       Laughter is healing. Remember your cat's/dog’s funny antics or even the moments when they were bad and allow yourself to laugh and those warm memories to heal your heart.

6.       It is okay to get angry over the loss of your cat/dog. It is one of the stages of grief. Allow yourself to recognize your emotions.

7.       It’s okay to vent your frustrations, feelings, disappointments, or whatever you are feeling as it helps you process the loss.

8.       While it is true that the passing of time heals, it’s okay to recognize that you are still raw and when those emotions well up, take a moment to remember and miss your cat/dog.  However long it takes.

9.       Sometimes allowing your cat/dog to leave this earth gracefully is the most selfless, final loving act that you can do.  Your cat/dog did not fear death and although it is heart wrenching, allowing your pet to go is love.

10.   Do whatever you need to do to find closure – if you need a funeral, memorial, cremation, burial, to create a memory garden or scrapbook-whatever it is, do it for yourself.

11.   Never feel embarrassed over the feeling you have toward losing your cat/dog. If someone does not understand, find someone who does and share with them.

12.    If you find yourself suffocating in your grief and unable to get past it, there is nothing wrong with finding a support group or counselor to help you through your loss.

13.   Be gentle with yourself.

14.   Recognize that your routine has changed and as you experience the pangs of loss, recognize them for what they are and try to incorporate new activities into those moments.

15.   If and when you’re ready, there will be another cat/dog just waiting to love you.

Losing a pet leaves a huge hole when they are gone and the pain of loss is real. They affect our lives on many levels from friend, companion to protector.  By recognizing how important they are and surrounding yourself with people who understand, things eventually will get better-even though you’ll miss them forever."

I am not convinced I did all I could! I'm more convinced she is gone because of me. That's a tough one to get past.  I know that has been brought up in several blogs, but it is because it's still how I feel. Perhaps in the future someone will read these, still feeling the way I do, and they won;t feel so alone in their feelings.  They won't feel like they shouldn't be feeling a certain way like I do with some of these feelings.  I feel like I should be further ahead than I am and that while people mostly understand, they may not understand why I am still feeling so blah.  I don't know, really - I don't ask them.

I have a great support system and I appreciate each and every one of you! Everything that is said above makes sense, but just doesn't help take the pain away and after almost 8 weeks it feels like it is never going to go away.  

I am at the point where I am considering another cat and have been actively looking. However, I still go back and forth with it so much and really don't know if it is the right time or not.  I honestly don't think I will ever know when I am ready.  I just know that maybe it will help give me something to focus on.  To help take away the 24/7 heartache and focus on Raven.  I know it won't take most of my pain away.  I also have so many fears associated with getting another cat.  Fears of whether there will be a strong bond or not. Fears that even though I know I shouldn't, that I will have expectations because of Raven. I worry I am not making the right decision at the right time. This time there is no clear cut answer as to when I will be ready.  So far it has been hard to find the age range I am looking for.  There are so many black cats out there.  I know black cats are hard to adopt out and I wish my heart could handle it, but I just can't handle a black one right now.  Black cats are amazing, but it's way too soon for me to consider one that is all black.  Black and white, maybe, but not close to solid black like Raven.  It would be too painful.

My neighbor next door, who is quickly becoming a good friend is actively looking as well. She is ready, willing and able to help in any way she can. As I have been considering getting one, I already had it in my mind that I wanted her two-year-old daughter to be part of the socialization process because she is amazing with animals! I witnessed it whenever I would run into her with J & C. That's when she wasn't even close to two-years-old yet.  She is just naturally good and gentle with animals. It's truly beautiful to watch.  With Raven, she was socialized with several people in the beginning of her life and I truly believe that helped.  Part of it was still her personality, but socializing definitely played a part in it.  

So, given that I have given it some thought, you would think that means I have made up my mind and it is just not that easy. At this point, Yes, I want one, but I am terrified and I don't truly know it is the right time.  I also know that the things that were truly "Raven's belongings", will not be given to another cat. I have to start all over with a lot of things.  I am still going back and forth with Raven's dishes, but I don't really think I want another cat having those. I know I want at least one of them going in the shadow box when that gets done.

I miss that beautiful face! I miss her loud purring, her snuggling, her soft fur, her kissy faces, her getting in my face, her constant "talking" and everything else that has been or will be brought up in this blog! I love you, Raven!!!

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them
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