Raven's Story - Grieving, Grateful and Honored

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

I am not sure if this post will be about memories of Raven or more about where I am at right now. Perhaps a combination of both.  Doing this blog is hard.  Not only because it's emotional, but also because I have so many memories that I want to document that I don't know where to start beyond my last post about where it all began.  It's been three and a half since I lost her and I miss her just as much, perhaps even more now.  I am not feeling better about this loss at all.  The only thing that is getting better is my ability to hold back my tears and my ability to wear certain masks when in front of people.  There are definitely some good distractions when I am not home.  I spend as much time away from here as possible - only to come back to the painful reminder that she is not here to greet me.  The tears still come before the key is even in the door. I have yet to have a day where I don't wake up in the morning crying.  Raven is the hardest loss I have dealt with.  Losing her under the circumstances that I did are what makes it that much harder.  Between losing her, the company I worked for closing and another event just prior to the first two losses, I have absolutely no sense of normalcy.  All gone! I'm really just lost.

I am so lost that even normal routines like doing laundry can't be done without crying because Raven would either run to the door and start meowing (melting down), wanting let out into the hall as soon as she saw me get the laundry basket, or I would have to outsmart her to be able to put the bed back together when putting clothes away. She would wait until she knew I had the clothes away and when I tried to start putting sheets on the bed, she would jump on the bed and start fighting the process. Very hard to explain.  If I tried to do it in stages, she would push the top sheet off of the bed and on to the floor.  I eventually outsmarted her (mostly) and would get the fitted sheet on and then ask her if she wanted "dinner". That idea was fine by her, so I would get her dinner and then I only had a short time to get the top sheet, pillows and duvet back on.  Occasionally she would either beat me back or just not eat all her dinner and end up back in the room to distract me from finishing the job.  Locking her out of the room was not an option. She would freak out! Scream loudly, scratch the door and throw herself against it.  Obviously I also didn't like to upset her. Examples below.

That bulge is Raven

She won!

Just going to have a bath and clean my paw right here

I'm not moving!

I can't even sit and watch TV because she would immediately come and lay on me. I just sit there and feel lost and empty. 

Even being on the computer has memories because she would often come up on the desk and sit right in front of the keyboard and monitor. This was especially the case if she was trying to notify me that it was time for dinner.  Dinner was the only feeding that she actually cared about and knew what time that was to be.  If I was on the computer she would come up and start rubbing my face, giving me looks and tilting her head. I actually used to be able to say to her, "tilt your head" and she would.  It was hard to get a picture of because then she always got curious about the phone.  I did manage to get some of her tilting - sort of

The below pictures are just of her wanting some loving if I was on the computer. She would completely block my view.  Once in a while I would play a certain game that had these balls and she would go right up to the monitor and watch it. I never captured those moments, but she always seemed to know when I was playing the game.

To bring up a more recent memory, earlier this year she was hurting and fell a couple of times. Once on the bed and once on the desk.  So, for the bed I moved an old desk chair to the night stand, got her to jump up on it and then said "up on the bed" so she knew it was an easier way to get up. Of course since she knew the words, she did it.  As mentioned in the last post, once something did her wrong, she never did it again, so she stopped jumping on the desk for a while. Once she was feeling better and no longer needing the chair for the bed and nightstand (where her preferred water was), I moved the chair back.  It still took some coaxing to get her to jump on the bed at the end of it, but she finally got her confidence back. Prior to that she was jumping up from either side of the bed. The end is where she jumped from when she fell over and it hurt, so she avoided it. Eventually I could say "up on the bed" from the end and she was back to doing it without hesitating.  Well, I moved the chair back to its original location beside the computer desk. One day I noticed she was coming back on the desk and didn't think much of it until I realized my smart girl was using the other desk chair to get on the desk. She likely didn't need it, but she wasn't willing to risk it.

I'm so grateful for the outpouring of love, support and understanding I have received over the last few weeks. Not one person has said, "it's only a cat" or anything along those lines. Even this long into it while I am still struggling, people seem to understand. I am so honored! Whether it be people who knew Raven, or didn't know Raven and just know me, or perhaps have been through it themselves, I truly appreciate all the understanding, support and kind words.

I have several people that check in with me, if not daily, then quite frequently via one method or another. Whether it be phone, text, social media or e-mail. I am grateful that I have become closer to my friend down the hall who has been a huge and surprising source of support and understanding. I spend quite a bit of time there and one of her cat's has taken to me for snuggling, which is really bittersweet.  The ongoing joke, maybe part true is that I am spoiling her and she is turning into a bit of whiner.  Oops!  One of my best friend's checks in with me daily and is totally fine if I just randomly cry, but she does a lot to keep me occupied.  When I post about Raven and how much I miss her, I am so grateful for all the posts of understanding, love and words of support. I read and appreciate each and every comment. 

I reach out and talk to several people regularly about how I am feeling. I cry, I repeat my feelings and I talk.  Sometimes it's nice just to talk about other stuff for a partial distraction, but in the back of my mind is my grief for Raven, but a change of subject can sometimes help temporarily. It's amazed me that I have reached out so much because that is not like me at all.  Perhaps repetition from both how I am feeling and people's understanding and advice is what eventually will work. As much as I am talking and opening up, I don't feel like it is helping. 

This grief is intense. I've read a lot about this kind of grieving and what's happening with me is that I am not only hitting all the phases of grief, but I cycle and circle back through them. Some think that perhaps I am putting pressure on myself to "get better".  Maybe I am. It's because I want this deep pain to stop hurting so bad.  I thought grieving was about stages and leaving one stage to enter another. That's not what is happening. To have everything ripped away from me so abruptly and in such a short amount of time is horrible. I never expected to lose her over an abscess - I know it was ultimately the Meloxicam, but she should never have died. Everything happens for a reason is the general consensus. Well, I can't see the reason why everything was ripped away from me so abruptly.  How can that be for a good reason? 

A friend that works where I do grocery shopping sent me the below poem shortly after Raven died.  This couldn't be more true and appropriate.  She's been a great friend.  What started as a cashier/customer thing has turned into a friendship. Actually, that happened before Raven died.  I know she has been worried about me because she understands what this feels like and I haven't been the same when I am in there. She hugs me every time she does see me and that is greatly appreciated because I know they are genuine.  If you're reading this - I would hope that one day I will be back to throwing my items at you instead of putting them on conveyor. Keep practicing those amazing reflexes you have so that you can be prepared. I think you only missed once, but that was my fault.

Thank you for this!

Three people recently posted the below picture and poem to my Facebook wall in less than 24 hours and I read it each and every time. Each one of them was appreciated more than I can express.  Of course, I cried hard each time I read it and I am trying to believe what it says - it's so hard!

To my dearest friend.

I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep. 

I could see that you were crying you found it hard to sleep. 

I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, 

"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." 

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.

I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my paw on you; I smiled and said, "it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...

in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning

and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to me.

Author Unknown

I wish I could feel her around me and truly know she is here, but that doesn't change the fact that she isn't physically here where I can see, touch and cuddle with her.  I miss her face and her facial expressions. I miss how soft she was.  I miss her meltdowns that were relentless because she didn't give up if she wanted something. I miss her constantly "talking". I miss the kissing and hugging her that she loved so much. I miss the kissy face's she gave daily. I miss her physical presence. 

People say I will know when I am ready for another one.  I'm not so sure about that statement this time around.  Several think I should get another one because I have so much love to give and because perhaps it will take the edge off. I understand both reasons, but there are a lot of fears involved with getting another one. Now would be a good timing-wise because I can supervise and bond since I am not working, but there is more to it than that. It's not Raven and that will be painfully obvious. At this point I feel like I would just be trying to replace her.  I worry that I would be looking for a lot of the same qualities and like I said, Raven set that bar high.  I'm also concerned I would be afraid to bond because of how much I am hurting, missing and longing for Raven right now.  This is so different from the other three I lost. I don't want another cat having Raven's stuff and I have never felt like that before. A friend of mine thinks it's because of feelings of betrayal as a reason for being afraid of getting another cat and I think that is very true - I feel like I would be betraying her. I feel like I betrayed her as it is because she died and I feel like getting another cat would be betraying her.  I also feel like another cat touching her stuff is betraying her.  I still feel like I killed her and that this should never have happened. People tell me I didn't cause this, but I still feel like I did. I failed her. I still feel like I put her in harm's way. It should be Raven here with me, not another cat.  There is also going to be a trust issue in finding a vet if I ever did get another cat. There is only one vet I trust and unfortunately she is not accessible to me location-wise anymore. So, there are so many fears with getting another one, but ultimately it boils down the feeling like I am betraying and trying to replace Raven, as well as the fact that it is not Raven.  

I wasn't ready for this loss. It was so abrupt. I get that we're never truly ready for a loss, but there is a huge difference between knowing they are old, sick and it's truly their time and having them die suddenly and unexpectedly.  

When I started this blog I only expected a few people to read it. I am amazed that more do. Especially because they are so long. It is encouraging though. It will help me to see it through. I really want to document as many memories as I possibly can. It sometimes feels like even through blogging, that there is no way I am going to be able to convey just how unique she was.  I welcome anyone's memories and ideas to add to a post.

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything, so if there are typos, please excuse them - Plus, I cry through 90% of writing these, which impacts vision.

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*