Raven's Story - Auntie Billy

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

Raven with her Auntie Billy

I've kept names out of this blog.  This one will be no exception because Billy is not her real name. It's a nickname I have used for her for many years and it's the name Raven knew her by.  Yes, Raven knew her name and I will get into that later on - complete with a picture.

The story of Auntie Billy and Raven deserves its own post.  The bond that Raven and Auntie Billy shared was close to as strong and the one Raven and I shared. Auntie Billy was Raven's absolute favorite person.  When Auntie Billy came to visit for weekends, I lost Raven for almost the entire weekend.  I just hope I can capture everything without forgetting an important memory because Raven truly had Auntie Billy wrapped around her paw.

Raven feeling safe and loved snuggling with her Auntie Billy

A repeat picture, but a precious one - Raven giving a Kissy Face to her Auntie Billy - Raven always wanted to be with her

First, before I get into their bond and story, this is where I completely blame myself for Raven's death. Not only that, but I feel like I ruined Auntie Billy and Raven's last weekend together.  I know Billy doesn't want me to feel bad, but I can't help it.  It was the last weekend Billy was here that led to the fateful events.  I wanted Billy to meet the little dog that bit Raven. I knew from the dog being here before that Raven and the dog were not friends, but I didn't know anything about abscesses or that Raven even got nipped.  I know I went into that in the first blog post.  I feel like if I hadn't have brought the dog here to meet Billy, Raven would still be alive. That's what was my fault.  The drug may have sent her into kidney failure, but none of that would have happened if I hadn't brought the dog over that day.  Not only that, but Raven took it out on Billy for the entire weekend.  She was hissing at her and even swatted her hand, drawing blood for no reason. This was NOT Raven at all.  We just thought she was jealous that she saw the dog sitting beside HER Auntie Billy.  Thinking back now it might have been because she was in pain from being nipped. Perhaps a combination of pain and jealousy. Either way, I feel horrible.  I don't know how to not feel responsible because it's exactly what led to me losing her. It is my fault. 

I talk, I blog, I think, I read, I cry and I write to some people outside of blogging, yet none of it seems to be helping.  I pretty much have every single thing listed in the below site.

http://www.petlosshelp.org/10commonquestions.html

From the second Auntie Billy walked in the door Raven would be all over her meowing and following her around.  If it had been a very long time since Raven had seen her, she would yell loudly at her - fact! Poor Billy couldn't even go to the bathroom without Raven being upset that she left her and waiting right at the bathroom door.  If we went out on the balcony for a smoke, Raven would sit at the window and meow.  This was not something Raven did when I would go outside when Billy wasn't around. So, yeah, Raven got pretty upset when her Auntie Billy would leave her even for a second.

If I said to Raven, "Where's Auntie Billy?", she would go to the door. I only did that a handful of times because once I realized she understood it, I felt horrible for getting her hopes up.  I was on the phone with Billy once and Raven was sitting on the bed. I said the magic words and Raven went flying off the bed and went to stare at the door.  That's when I snapped the below picture.  The one below that is one other time I asked her where her Auntie Billy is.

I used to use this one to guilt Billy into coming for a weekend to see her baby.

Having Auntie Billy here meant not only a lot of extra attention, but also almost unlimited hall time, since Auntie Billy would almost always let Raven out when she was having a fit at the door, and a lot of laser light play time. Raven preferred to play with the laser light with Billy more than anyone. With me she would get bored after a few minutes no matter how much I tried to do it the same as Auntie Billy does.  If Billy and I were playing a game, Raven would get in her face to indicate that she wants to play with the laser light. Raven would make it impossible for Billy and I to continue doing what we were doing.  

Raven making sure Auntie Billy can't do anything but pay attention to her.

I believe in this one, Auntie Billy got up to go in the kitchen, but another one where Raven made her presence known and demanded attention

Playing with Billy and the laser light in one of her many treasured boxes Raven would get at Christmas

Billy would get Raven running all over the place for that light.

If we were just chilling and watching movies, Raven always had to be snuggling with her Auntie Billy. Normally that's what she would do with me when I am on the couch, but not when Auntie Billy was here.  If she chose to sit between the two of us, she was always closer to Billy and always had to be touching her. So, yep, I basically lost my Raven every time Auntie Billy came to visit. She did still sleep with me, but we also figured out she slept with Billy half the night too.

Raven had an unusual ability to know when people were sleeping. The unusual part was that she knew to be quiet every time someone was sleeping on the couch.  Normally when she talked, which was often, she was loud. A lot of people can attest to that.  However, when someone was sleeping, she would still talk, but very quietly.  Billy often fell asleep before I did and normally when Raven knew her and I were going to bed, she would meltdown loudly for her last feeding, but while anyone was asleep on the couch, the meltdown was very quiet.  Billy actually witnessed it one morning when I woke up before she did.  I came in from the balcony and Raven did her quiet meows for her normal routine.

Eventually Raven learned Billy's routines, especially in the morning. I caught it a few times.  Raven and I would be sleeping and she would hear Billy get up, so she'd wake up and fly out the bedroom door.  Well, I guess a couple of times she was disappointed because Billy was only going to the bathroom and then would go back to sleep.  I caught Raven waiting in bed with me until she knew if Billy was going outside to have a smoke or not.  If she was, then Raven would get up and fly out into the living room to go wait for her, otherwise she learned to stay in bed until she knew Auntie Billy was up for good.  I was told there were a few occasions where Billy got up for a bit, played with Raven and then they both went back to bed.

A funny story that happened recently to prove just how much Raven loved her Auntie Billy, wanted to be with her and how smart Raven was.  Billy was going to sleep, so she did up the couch. She wasn't quite ready to crash, so I sat on the end of the couch so we could talk for a bit.  Raven jumped up on the arm of the couch beside me and started to rub her head all over my back, shoulder and head. I knew this wasn't a kissy face. I knew she was trying to move me. Then she started to up her game. She started biting my hair, gently hitting my head and then physically trying to push my off with her body.  Raven even went as far as to try and "bite" my shoulder. She was trying to put my entire shoulder in her mouth.  She wanted me gone and was going to great lengths to get rid of me.  I finally got up and Raven thought she won.  She immediately laid down with Auntie Billy, glared at me and stretched out as much as she could so there was no room for me to sit back down.  Below is the proof.

I believe Auntie Billy is where Raven's love of fire trucks came from.  Every time she would hear a fire truck, Raven would go running to the window.  Even if she was in a dead sleep, she would get up and run to the window.  It was only fire truck sirens. Not ambulances or police sirens.  Billy has a love of firemen and maybe firetrucks too, but I would say more the former. On more than one occasion while Billy was here, both Billy and Raven were seen looking out the window together when there was a fire truck going by.  I wish I had taken a picture of it.

Raven was always both upset and worn out by the end of the visits.  Upset because when Billy left, we usually ran out first and then I would come back without her.  Raven would look for her, be mad at me because she wasn't with me and then go crash for several hours. Usually she was so tired that I would have to wake her up and ask her if she wanted dinner.  The fatigue came from not only all the extra play, but also because Raven rarely went to go nap the entire time Billy was here because she stayed awake every minute so as not to miss a thing.

I will forever feel horrible for ending their bond the way I did, but their bond was a joy to watch.  

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.

Raven's Story - 'Tis the Season

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

Her toy was never far from her - See ball on left

'Tis the season and I am not celebrating it. I am having nothing to do with Christmas at all. I actually started losing interest in Christmas two years ago when I was essentially ditched and left alone for Christmas day.  Last year I was laid off right before Christmas, which doesn't exactly throw you into the holiday spirit when you were already struggling with it, but did my best to at least decorate.  This year I feel I have nothing to celebrate at all.  Yes, I am aware there are many that have it far worse than I do, yet that doesn't help me feel I have something to celebrate.  I have had a couple of offers of invites to spend Christmas at other people's places, but the point is I am not celebrating it at all. Going to where someone else is celebrating when I am so down is not going to help them or I.  Though, I appreciated the offers.  I don't feel capable of "faking it" for Christmas celebrations and I am not about to ruin someone else's celebrations.  If I thought it would help, I would do it, but I know in my hurting heart that it will not help me.

Putting up the tree would be unbearably painful. There are several custom ornaments that were made for Raven and other ornaments that have pictures of her, as well as pictures of her and I. Looking at them any other year will be painful, but right now truly would send me further down.

Raven never bothered with the tree at all.  Actually, out of the four, the only one that caused a real issue was Soleil. She would be up and down the tree and thought all ornaments were toys.  Ashley just cared about sleeping under the tree. Trixie constantly tried to eat the tree. He thought all flowers/plants were for him whether they were real or fake.  Raven liked to lay under the tree, but her big issue was the tree skirt. She didn't like it all straightened out. She preferred to bunch it up.  If you straightened it, she would bunch it up in the middle again.  It was an ongoing issue every year.

Raven and Ashley under the tree

In this one you can see where Raven is starting to bunch it up

I don't have any photos of the tree skirt bunched all the way up in the middle and I wish I did.  While Raven was amazing with not caring about the tree and the ornaments, you could never leave presents under the tree. Her love of paper led her to rip all the gifts open.  She just couldn't resist. I don't have any pictures of those memories either.  The last five pictures are of a box she didn't fit in too well, but that never stopped her.

Likely plotting how to open them all while I sit right there - Note her toy close to her again!

Raven seemed to love Christmas. She loved the socializing, attention and the best part for her were the boxes. She loved opening them and squeezing in.  I guess that was one of the rare cat-like traits she had.  All of the examples below are boxes she opened herself. The last

Raven's other favorite part about Christmas was probably the bags - another "cat-like" feature of hers, I suppose.

It was really all bags.  Raven had to know what was in there.  It even happened with a chip bag that still had chips in it.  She didn't touch the chips at all.  If your hand was in a chip bag, a lot of times she would attack it from the outside. Yes, in the picture below she is on the table. A friend and I were just playing a game.  If there was actual food on the table or a meal was being eaten at it, she never jumped up on it.  I think my nephew taught her that when she was younger with the Cheerios incidents.  I rarely eat at the table anyway, but she knew not to do it.  Perhaps it was just part of her "good girl" instinct.  

Raven was spoiled with several toys for Christmas for a few years as well.  It wasn't me who bought them because I knew better.  Raven had no interest in any new toy, just her regular favorites were all she needed and wanted. However, was interested in one new toy for a very short period of time. Probably the length it took to take the picture.  I tried to get her interested in it a few times over the years and it was a no go.  See below.

I am still so lost without Raven and it's been a month. Raven was my one and only unconditional constant. Any other constant I thought I have had in the past turned out to be an illusion on my part.  Raven was my world.  Right or wrong, that's what it was.  It was that strong bond and her outgoing, smart, loving personality.  I knew I would lose her one day because cats have shorter lifespans than humans, but to lose her under the conditions that I did was not expected. It's like one day she was fine and the next she was gone.  I think that's why I am struggling more. It's been suggested to me that I have not accepted the loss and that is likely true.  I don't know how to accept this one under these circumstances.  I still wonder if I should have done more to try and save her rather than "letting her go".  Her whole life I thought I was doing everything right for her and now I feel like I did everything wrong.  I absolutely still blame myself for the situation that led to her death.  I can't see any "good" reason why this happened.  I am trying to find some good that can come out of it and just can't seem to find anything.  Maybe her story will somehow save another animal, but that doesn't help me cope with my unexpected loss. I feel this loss every minute of every day from the moment I wake up in tears to the moment I finally fall asleep at night.  I guess my inability to accept this loss is why I keep cycling and circling through the stages of grief. 

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.

Raven's Story - Continuation of Our 2012 Ordeal and Useful Information for All Pet Parents

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

She was trying to smell the phone as a I took the picture

This will probably be a short post. I just thought that the additional information might help someone at some point. If some good can come out of this, then perhaps all of this would not be for not.

I forgot a detail about the Prescription Novel Protein food she was on that caused weight gain.  It also caused her hair color to change. My black Raven was turning reddish-brown.  When I finally removed the food, she started to darken again, but never fully went back to black in that large spot.  It shows in some of the pictures, but below I will post the one where I really noticed it happening.

I also wanted to add a link, also from catinfo.org that has some useful information about medications that applies to not only cats, but dogs too.  A lot of the medications are given to both.  I hope you take the time to read the info. I learned a lot from the article and while I am still having issues retaining information due to emotions, I will definitely refer back to the site. I feel horrible for "dry pilling" Raven because she was so easy to give a pill to.  It left me feeling leery of a lot, but I need to read it again - perhaps a few times.

http://www.catinfo.org/?link=convenia

There is a section at the bottom of the page that talks about Metacam (Meloxicam), the same stuff that caused Raven's severe acute kidney failure. The manufacturer put a Black Box Warning on the drug. WHY ARE ALL VETS NOT AWARE OF THIS WARNING? The below quote is from the link I just posted above.

"I would also put in your cat's chart "NO METACAM without discussing the pros and cons first".  Metacam is a non-steroidal antiinflammatory drug (NSAID) that has the potential to cause kidney damage in cats.  The manufacturer recently added a ‘black box’ warning stating that it is not to be used in cats past a single injection.  That said, it may be considered for use in arthritic cats that have had their quality of life enhanced by it.  "

While I am going to have some trust issues finding and with a vet if I ever get another cat (or someone said to me today, "when, not if"), I am definitely going to be armed with more information. I want to make it clear that I think vets have it tough for various reasons and that I feel they are necessary for pet care. I am just more leery on vaccines for indoor cats and on medications.  If/when I do get another cat and have any health issues, I will definitely be more involved in what goes in that little furry body.

I have wondered lately if I should report what happened to Raven from Meloxicam.  I'm just not sure how to do that in Canada with pets.  


*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them - Plus, I cry through 90% of writing these, which impacts vision.

Raven's Story - Four Weeks and Time Seems to Be Standing Still

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

It's been four weeks today and time literally feels like it has stood still. Everything is a blur. It's probably just everything melding together because of that lack of normalcy.  It's like I just lost Raven yesterday. That last week and a half of her life just plays through my head over and over again. I have so much regret and guilt. I still genuinely feel like I killed her, not murder, but I contributed to her death. I am still second-guessing everything and left wondering "what if?" for everything in not only those last few days, but also the event that set the whole abscess off four weeks prior to her dying.

The loss of normalcy makes everything worse with Raven gone. I still expect to see her and get her breakfast when I come in from the balcony first thing in the morning. Even though I am aware that I am crying at that moment because I started crying the moment I woke up due to the fact that she wasn't there beside me, it's like I still expect to see her as soon as I come in and hear her meltdown for breakfast. She would meet me at the balcony door for love and to walk me to the kitchen. Somewhere along the line she figured out that putting out the cigarette in the ashtray meant coming back in, so as soon as she saw me do that, she would make her way to the door to greet me.  Same applies from the last time I come in from the balcony the last time at night. I expect to see her and hear her meltdown to give her the last feeding before we went to bed.  There are times I come inside and I think I see her because she used either be sitting at a certain spot, or doing what I used to joke as "blending" with the black shoes and boots in the hall. I cry every time I think I see her for that brief second. I am mostly still in the habit of putting on my shoes int he bedroom with my foot up on the dresser because of having to start that years ago due to her jumping on my back when bent over. It's only occasionally where I think, "Oh, I don't have to do that anymore", and then I start to cry.

Raven "Blending"

Raven "blending between my nephew's shoes

This is the corner I expect to see her at coming in from the balcony - she'd normally be facing me

I really thought I had more pictures of her "blending", especially because it was a regular occurrence, but I can't find them. Now I feel like I don't have nearly enough pictures of her overall. Especially good and front on shots. I'm not great at picture taking and it was no exception when I tried to get pictures of Raven. I wish I had more front on pictures of her beautiful face.  

My mind is constantly going. Everything, and I mean everything is playing back in my head. I am starting to question a lot of things based on some recent thoughts. I will get into those later, but if I knew then what I am starting to learn now..... 

Almost two years ago to the date Raven was nipped this year, we had another big scare, but she pulled through. I want to bring that to life since between that and what's just happened to Raven recently, it has had me doing some serious re-thinking about certain things that have to do with animal care both at home and medically.  More on that later. First more on Raven's issues from 2012. 

Back in October 2012 I had gone away for a week to Arizona. While I was gone, Raven was as usual, doing well with my friend/neighbor who used to care for her when I went away. There will be more about the bond those two shared at some point.  Upon arriving home, Raven's appetite was decreasing within a few days of being back. The first day and a half I didn't think much of it because that was normal for her when I returned due to her being stuck to me like glue. However, within a couple of days she was vomiting and really not eating or drinking. Prior to that, Raven had only vomited a few times in her entire seven years.  I was freaking out with fear as I know that's a bad sign. My friend and I had just taken her for her yearly checkup and shots the month before and she got a clean bill of health. Unfortunately, her vet had moved to the city right beside mine and since I didn't drive, I knew a cab there wouldn't be doable financially, especially if she was going to be kept. My friend that used to care for her would have been limited as to how often she would have been able to get us to the next city as well. Of course, I consulted with Raven's vet and explained what was going on. Between the three of us, we decided to try my friend's vet (who has been referred to as "Raven's previous vet team"), since it was close to where we live. I was unemployed at the time, so cab fare when needed to take that route was doable. What I wasn't prepared for, was the amount of trips back and forth and I know now they were unnecessary and should never have had to happen.

Brace yourselves, this is a long story. I will try and condense it as much as possible.  So, Tuesday, October 30th I took Raven in and met Raven's new vet team. I was terrified and slightly distrusting, or perhaps leery is a better word, but I trusted my friend and my baby was not eating and was vomiting.  They loved the fact that I could give them an exact history of Raven and what exactly was going on. They could tell she meant the world to me. They said they have seen this several times when owners come back from vacation and suspected maybe something "foreign" she ate might be causing an obstruction.  I insisted that it was not possible that she ate something "foreign" when I was gone because she was not that type of cat.  My God, Raven wouldn't even eat food out of the right side of her dish, wouldn't take a treat off of the stool, never took people food and aside from chewing the corner off the odd piece of paper years ago, never put anything "foreign" in her mouth.  I told them all of this, but they said they had heard that before and it turned out to be an obstruction.  Okay, so I okayed the x-rays even though I knew in my gut that it wasn't an obstruction.  Of course they kept Raven which sent me into tears. They wanted to do blood work, X-rays, urinalyses and put her on fluids to see if she would eat.  I was a wreck and didn't sleep that whole night. 

I went back October 31st to talk to them about the results and updates. In the mean time and the entire time, I had kept Raven's previous vet in the loop with everything.  The new vet team was completely understanding and respectful of that.  A couple of times they asked if she had any input on certain issues. One cute story they told me was that they had bandaged Raven's IV with an orange color because they thought it would be cute for Halloween. However, when I saw her it was pink. They then informed me that she shook that IV right off, so they had to put it in the other paw. There's my smart girl. It was at the same time they told me how amazing Raven is and that she is one of the calmest cats they have ever treated. They did everything, including x-rays without having to sedate her. The Dr. told me that Raven did go to almost bite her once but then didn't. She said Raven opened her mouth on the top of the doctor's hand but then didn't bite and that's it. She had been amazing for everything else. I said, "Do you want to know why she didn't bite you?", of course she wanted to know why. I continued with, "Because she actually doesn't know how to bite in that manner." I continued to explain what I am about to tell you. Raven had no concept of biting skin in violence. Her math was way off. Any time she would try and bite, she would try and put the entire limb in her mouth. It never worked and she never figured out why. Raven was never violent at that point anyway. It was her way of playing. I think a lot of it came from the face that I never allowed "rough" play when she was a kitten. I never played with her where she was allowed to go after my hand or fingers. I run my hand back and forth under a blanket or something, but as soon as she saw skin, she would cease "attacking" it. However, on a side note, Raven never did outgrow chasing feet under the covers and as brilliant as she was, she never outgrew chasing her own tail. So weird, but funny!

Back to the update. No obstruction on the X-ray, just some gas showed up, but that certainly wasn't causing her not to eat and drink. I knew she hadn't eaten anything foreign, but reassurance for both parties involved was good. The blood work and urine came back showing nothing wrong, but she still hadn't eaten. They were baffled. I was snuggling with her in the examination room as we were talking. We thought maybe if I brought her home that she would finally eat after having some IV fluids there.  They removed the IV and I brought her home with the plan to bring her back Thursday if she still hadn't eaten. As Wednesday night went on, she still hadn't eaten and I had a feeling she wouldn't by morning. 

As predicted, she still hadn't eaten and back we went Thursday for them to keep her and put back on fluids until she eats or until they can figure out what's going on.  It was then that the vet thought she should talk to her friend in Guelph who is an internal medicine specialist so they could do an abdominal ultrasound.  Unfortunately, they didn't think she would be able to come to until Monday. Well, they talked to her Thursday and told her not only what is going on with Raven, but also what an amazing and loving owner I am.  Thankfully, this doctor dropped everything and made arrangements to come see Raven on Friday. She reviewed the tests and they did the abdominal ultrasound (again with no sedation and they both said Raven is amazing).  Between the test results and ultrasound the internal medicine specialist diagnosed her with low-grade chronic pancreatitis and suspected Inflammatory Bowel Disease because they two go hand in hand. They put her on higher-dosed steroids, anti-nausea medication and something to help stimulate appetite.  She also suggested Raven go on a hydrolyzed protein diet. She said that while her blood work numbers looked normal for pancreas, they were actually on the high-end of normal and indicative of her condition. That's when I learned that it really isn't "normal" for cats to vomit. Not even hairballs except maybe on a very rare occasion. If there is vomit or hairballs, then there is a digestive issue generally.

Finally, by Saturday morning Raven ate and I was able to go pick her up! What a relief. Those days without her were miserable, although not nearly as miserable and heartbreaking as right now. I was sent home with anti-nausea meds, the stronger steroids and the appetite stimulation meds if needed. They also gave me some food to try, but there was a good chance she wouldn't like it. Nope, she didn't, so we had to give her the old stuff (Science Diet, by the way, which at one point I thought was a great and safe food) and wait for the new HP (hydrolyzed protein) food to arrive at the vet.  Raven was feeling like Super Kitty on those steroids - holy crap! 

This is your cat on drugs! She never drank out of my cup before this

Much more convenient than walking to the kitchen in our 1 bedroom apartment

Raven was on the stronger steroids for the first week home and then was to be put on a lower dose for two months before weaning off. In that first week, we reduced food portions a bit, but the stronger steroid was making her hungry all the time.  Oh my God! She was relentless with the meltdowns. Not only that, but the steroids turned her into a common criminal. I just remembered that on the Saturday we picked her up, we had to go to the pharmacy to get her prescriptions. While in the carrier in the back of the car, she was trying to break out with her new super strength and at one point actually managed to break out. She had never done that before. So, since she was hungry, I was yelled at for the entire week. Not only that, but the criminal behavior continued. She went and practiced opening the bathroom cabinets and once she mastered that, she took her new skills to the kitchen cabinet where the food was. I would hear, "bang, bang, bang" as she attempted to open the kitchen cupboard. I would say "Raven" and she would reply with a "ahhhhhhhhh" scream each time. When I would call her and heard nothing, then I knew she made it in the cupboard. I had to tie the handles of the cupboard together.  Every time I got up to go somewhere in the apartment, I was followed and screamed at. Forget going near the kitchen. At one point I texted my friend while she was at work and told her I was going next door to her place to hang out with the dogs for a while. I felt bad because I knew she was hungrier than normal, but she couldn't have more food.

I think all of the meltdowns were finally exhausting her at times. She would come up on the computer while I was job searching and start to lay down on the keyboard, which while she sat in front of it many times, she never tried to sleep on it before. So, I moved everything and let her just crash on my hand.

A week after picking her up, we went back for the follow up and to pick up the new food. That's where super criminal kitty continued in the examination room. They had never seen anything like it. She was trying to break into their cupboards looking for food. My friend, the vet and I were cracking up. We were also getting the lower dose steroid which thankfully doesn't carry the same extreme hunger side effect that turned her into a common criminal.

Well, after that visit, that's when all hell broke loose.  That Saturday night I started introducing the new food and started the new steroid. Raven also did something that night that she had never done before. She jumped on the stove when I had a pan on it and just turned the burner on. Raven had always been smart enough to never jump up when the stove or oven was on. By Sunday night she had a small angry red mark on her foot.  We brought her back to the vet Monday to look at it and we did wonder if it was a burn, although not likely. Monday and Tuesday it continued to get worse. Now, due to my previous work with pharmacists and getting them involved in my own health issues, the one thing they have ingrained in me is to be a detective so-to-speak. Pay attention to events and triggers. Well, three things happened when this foot thing happened with Raven. 1) the new drug (but still a steroid, so not likely), 2) the new food and 3) the stove incident. As the week went on and as more of that new hydrolyzed protein was introduced, her foot got worse. I did actually find on a vet's website that a reaction like that is a possible allergic reaction. Raven's vet disagreed, but by the end of that first week, I decided to pull her off that food and we tried the Novel protein instead. Sure enough, the wound got worse on the hydrolyzed protein and stopped getting worse when we stopped that food. The vet and I would have to agree to disagree. I knew it was a reaction. It may not be a typical reaction she has seen personally, but it was in fact a reaction. It got worse the entire week that food was being introduced little by little.

We were back and forth to the vet so much.  Again my amazing, trusting baby showed just how much she will tolerate. They were cleaning her wound and thought she would freak out when they stuck her foot in the soapy/medicated water because it would sting. Nope! Raven didn't even fuss! Unfortunately, due to how bad the wound was, Raven had to wear the cone on her head for the first time in her life. Even worse, because of the steroid, the wound would take longer to heal. When all was said and done, she had to wear it for a month with a small break in between, which I will talk about shortly.  

On one hand it was good that I wasn't working because I could be there to supervise, observe and be there for her, but on the other hand, I blew through what little savings I had with the hospital stay, tests, all the back and forth, medications and follow ups.  I would do it all again in a heartbeat! Raven was worth every penny. I just wish I had been able to figure more out back then. Raven was depressed and miserable with the cone on. As mentioned before though, she learned real quick that if I sat on the couch, she could come and lay with me and I would take it off. As seen below in the pictures, she was pretty depressed. Plus, the cone throws them right off and the poor girl was walking into everything for a while. I had to help guide her because she would get stuck.

Being able to get a break without the cone

She got up there and was like "Crap" and just laid down - That was a first!

I felt horrible and on one of the follow up visits to check on her foot, I asked if there was anything we could do so she didn't have to wear the cone. The vet said they could bandage it, but for no more than four days with me coming back after two days to get it re-bandaged because of the risk of infection. She also said there was a risk Raven would try and get it off because it was awkward. I opted to try.  They actually had bets at the vet clinic as to how fast Raven would get it off because of how fast she got that first IV off.  My smart girl didn't attempt to get it off once! I think she knew it was best not to. Below is the alternative to the cone for 4 days.

Raven seemed to be doing well on the prescription novel protein diet except once when she was eating too fast and vomiting, so we pulled the dry away for a few days. That was a nightmare because she was not a fan of an all wet food diet. She had meltdowns galore and ate bare minimum. She was like "screw you, I don't care how hungry I am, I am not eating all wet - give me the dry now" and since "now" was one of her meows, it was more like a loud, drawn out, "Noowwwwwwwwww".  She was supposed to be eating a can and a half a day and was barely eating a can a day. As it was, she only liked eating 1/8 of a can of wet and then wanted dry for the rest. Even though I thought things were going well, the nightmare actually continued.

Because the new food was portion controlled and we wanted her to lose weight, we/I had to take her in monthly for what I used to call her "Weight Watchers Meetings" to get her weighed.  See? Back and forth to the vet constantly! We needed to make sure she was losing weight.  Raven was 13 pounds (already a bit overweight, but she actually was a tall girl - no joke), when she first got sick and the "prescription" food that was supposed to be good for her and on an amount that was supposed to help her lose weight, actually caused her to gain 3.6 pounds in a matter of 4.5 months. I was not happy! I was actually pretty upset each months as I watched her gain weight.  They suggested more exercise and buying toys to encourage her to "hunt" food around the apartment. First off, I had a hunch it was the food already. Second, Raven had absolutely no hunting skills and wouldn't touch food on the wrong side of her dish, let alone outside of the kitchen at that point. Like I have said before, very few cat traits in her at all.  Below is a picture I took right before all this abscess stuff happened where I thought she was finally being a cat.  If you look closely, she is not!  Pay attention to where she is looking compared to where the bird is.

I started doing my own homework and that's when I started seeing a correlation between her condition and grains. The prescription Novel protein diet had grains in it! I agreed that she needed to be on a novel protein, so I switched her to Natural Balance duck and green pea grain free. She loved it! Especially the dry, which was her "crack".  Back then, I really didn't think dry food was bad for them. She finally started to lose weight slowly. I vowed then to never feed an animal grains again. I did know about raw diets, but as a vegetarian, there was no way in hell I could do that without getting sick to my stomach. I have a weak stomach as it is. Plus, I still thought I was doing right by her with the grain free, novel protein Natural Balance dry and wet food.

Again, something that should have been a simple fix once the issue was finally detected turned into a nightmare. Raven made it through though! She went through so much and was such a trooper. I don't understand why something that seems much more simple than what happened in 2012, killed her this time. I say for both losing her now and the issues back in 2012, if I knew then what I knew now... I just didn't think there was a way of knowing. I thought the animal medical professionals had a good handle on it. I am sure for most stuff they do, but like regular doctors, a lot progresses and happens and it is a lot to keep up with. I believe most vets do a great job and are doing the best they can with what they got, but that doesn't change how I feel about this last guy missing the signs for renal failure when I was so clear about every single thing that had happened. Those two big ones are hard for me to accept him missing. Wetting the bed and being unaware of it and excessive drinking. Perhaps we could have saved her before it was too late. Plus, it also doesn't mean all the information they have is necessarily the right information. Again, not their fault. 

First, I started thinking about my four cats and I see a pattern. The two out of the four that I was closest and bonded to, are the two that had the most vet care. Meaning the ones I took to get vaccinated every year, doing everything I thought was right to do (at the time, but have since learned more food-wise), are the two that died young, suddenly and unexpectedly. The two that only had their shots in the first year and were spayed and neutered because I was younger and didn't have the money for yearly vet care, are they two that loved the longest. They only had vet care when it was absolutely necessary as in pain or emergency.  Trixie, who I was told wouldn't live a long life because of a severe heart murmur, died at 12 years old and I still think it was losing Soleil that killed him. That's when he went downhill.  Ashley, who was the runt, majorly overweight and all kinds of weird health issues, lived until she was 15.  Then I started thinking about a friend's ex-boyfriend's two cats.  They lived to 19 & 21 and only had vet care beyond the first year as needed. One of them had kidney problems when he was really old, but not before.  Then there is my friend down the hall. She has had numerous cats and most of them live to close to 20 or beyond. Same thing, indoor cats with initial vet care, getting fixed and then as needed.  Are you seeing the same pattern I am seeing?  Is there something to the fact that the ones who received the most "care" are the ones that died young, or is it just that I have bad luck with the ones that I bond with the most and it was a coincidence?

So, I started doing homework originally on vaccines for indoor cats. I came across a vet discussing over-vaccinating indoor cats. She talks about what they need versus what they don't. Along with why which ones are needed and why they are not. She also delves into issues from them. Then I stumbled on the info about food, initially not realizing it was from the same site. This is not some random opinion site. Dr. Lisa Pierson is a DVM and has been for I believe 30 years.  www.catinfo.org I still have a lot more to read as there is a lot of information on her site that it is useful.  I have posted the link on the sidebar of this blog too. A lot of info on just how bad dry kibble is and why. Since I am still a huge mess, I am having issues understanding and retaining some of the information at this point. Although, I will add that the friend who has had many cats live until their 20's has only fed dry food. Even with that knowledge, my view on dry are starting to change.

I'm second-guessing everything now. What if all those vaccines I put into her beyond the first year of life are what were a major contributing factor to her health problems? What if without all those vaccines she would have been able to metabolize the Meloxicam better? 

I think vets truly believe in what they are doing because it is what they are taught. Here is my problem.  Like humans, we really don't know what vaccines and medications are causing what problems even years after you have had a medication/vaccine.  Animals can't talk to tell us what side effects they are experiencing and when.  In my opinion and from what I have learned from the horse's mouth, just because a drug company says something is safe, doesn't make it so. That goes for humans and animals.

Perhaps the concern is that without bringing animals in for yearly vaccines, particularly indoor cats, that pet owners wouldn't bring them in. That would never be the case for me. My views on yearly vaccines have changed, but I would still want a pet to be seen for wellness exams. I definitely believe pets should have those exams!

I am not promoting or denouncing anything as far as feeding or vaccines. I am just saying maybe we need to start doing more homework for our furbabies like we do for ourselves. The catinfo.org site is a good start. It makes me re-think everything. 

Again, I really want to say thank you to every one who has been so supportive, has been there for me and continues to be there for me during this extremely difficult time. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and encourages me to continue. The comments and compliments have been amazing and surprising. As I mentioned before, I really had no idea so many people would read this. Please continue to be there for me - The love and support and is still needed as I continue to grieve. I miss her more every day. 


*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them - Plus, I cry through 90% of writing these, which impacts vision.

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

Raven's Story - Grieving, Grateful and Honored

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

I am not sure if this post will be about memories of Raven or more about where I am at right now. Perhaps a combination of both.  Doing this blog is hard.  Not only because it's emotional, but also because I have so many memories that I want to document that I don't know where to start beyond my last post about where it all began.  It's been three and a half since I lost her and I miss her just as much, perhaps even more now.  I am not feeling better about this loss at all.  The only thing that is getting better is my ability to hold back my tears and my ability to wear certain masks when in front of people.  There are definitely some good distractions when I am not home.  I spend as much time away from here as possible - only to come back to the painful reminder that she is not here to greet me.  The tears still come before the key is even in the door. I have yet to have a day where I don't wake up in the morning crying.  Raven is the hardest loss I have dealt with.  Losing her under the circumstances that I did are what makes it that much harder.  Between losing her, the company I worked for closing and another event just prior to the first two losses, I have absolutely no sense of normalcy.  All gone! I'm really just lost.

I am so lost that even normal routines like doing laundry can't be done without crying because Raven would either run to the door and start meowing (melting down), wanting let out into the hall as soon as she saw me get the laundry basket, or I would have to outsmart her to be able to put the bed back together when putting clothes away. She would wait until she knew I had the clothes away and when I tried to start putting sheets on the bed, she would jump on the bed and start fighting the process. Very hard to explain.  If I tried to do it in stages, she would push the top sheet off of the bed and on to the floor.  I eventually outsmarted her (mostly) and would get the fitted sheet on and then ask her if she wanted "dinner". That idea was fine by her, so I would get her dinner and then I only had a short time to get the top sheet, pillows and duvet back on.  Occasionally she would either beat me back or just not eat all her dinner and end up back in the room to distract me from finishing the job.  Locking her out of the room was not an option. She would freak out! Scream loudly, scratch the door and throw herself against it.  Obviously I also didn't like to upset her. Examples below.

That bulge is Raven

She won!

Just going to have a bath and clean my paw right here

I'm not moving!

I can't even sit and watch TV because she would immediately come and lay on me. I just sit there and feel lost and empty. 

Even being on the computer has memories because she would often come up on the desk and sit right in front of the keyboard and monitor. This was especially the case if she was trying to notify me that it was time for dinner.  Dinner was the only feeding that she actually cared about and knew what time that was to be.  If I was on the computer she would come up and start rubbing my face, giving me looks and tilting her head. I actually used to be able to say to her, "tilt your head" and she would.  It was hard to get a picture of because then she always got curious about the phone.  I did manage to get some of her tilting - sort of

The below pictures are just of her wanting some loving if I was on the computer. She would completely block my view.  Once in a while I would play a certain game that had these balls and she would go right up to the monitor and watch it. I never captured those moments, but she always seemed to know when I was playing the game.

To bring up a more recent memory, earlier this year she was hurting and fell a couple of times. Once on the bed and once on the desk.  So, for the bed I moved an old desk chair to the night stand, got her to jump up on it and then said "up on the bed" so she knew it was an easier way to get up. Of course since she knew the words, she did it.  As mentioned in the last post, once something did her wrong, she never did it again, so she stopped jumping on the desk for a while. Once she was feeling better and no longer needing the chair for the bed and nightstand (where her preferred water was), I moved the chair back.  It still took some coaxing to get her to jump on the bed at the end of it, but she finally got her confidence back. Prior to that she was jumping up from either side of the bed. The end is where she jumped from when she fell over and it hurt, so she avoided it. Eventually I could say "up on the bed" from the end and she was back to doing it without hesitating.  Well, I moved the chair back to its original location beside the computer desk. One day I noticed she was coming back on the desk and didn't think much of it until I realized my smart girl was using the other desk chair to get on the desk. She likely didn't need it, but she wasn't willing to risk it.

I'm so grateful for the outpouring of love, support and understanding I have received over the last few weeks. Not one person has said, "it's only a cat" or anything along those lines. Even this long into it while I am still struggling, people seem to understand. I am so honored! Whether it be people who knew Raven, or didn't know Raven and just know me, or perhaps have been through it themselves, I truly appreciate all the understanding, support and kind words.

I have several people that check in with me, if not daily, then quite frequently via one method or another. Whether it be phone, text, social media or e-mail. I am grateful that I have become closer to my friend down the hall who has been a huge and surprising source of support and understanding. I spend quite a bit of time there and one of her cat's has taken to me for snuggling, which is really bittersweet.  The ongoing joke, maybe part true is that I am spoiling her and she is turning into a bit of whiner.  Oops!  One of my best friend's checks in with me daily and is totally fine if I just randomly cry, but she does a lot to keep me occupied.  When I post about Raven and how much I miss her, I am so grateful for all the posts of understanding, love and words of support. I read and appreciate each and every comment. 

I reach out and talk to several people regularly about how I am feeling. I cry, I repeat my feelings and I talk.  Sometimes it's nice just to talk about other stuff for a partial distraction, but in the back of my mind is my grief for Raven, but a change of subject can sometimes help temporarily. It's amazed me that I have reached out so much because that is not like me at all.  Perhaps repetition from both how I am feeling and people's understanding and advice is what eventually will work. As much as I am talking and opening up, I don't feel like it is helping. 

This grief is intense. I've read a lot about this kind of grieving and what's happening with me is that I am not only hitting all the phases of grief, but I cycle and circle back through them. Some think that perhaps I am putting pressure on myself to "get better".  Maybe I am. It's because I want this deep pain to stop hurting so bad.  I thought grieving was about stages and leaving one stage to enter another. That's not what is happening. To have everything ripped away from me so abruptly and in such a short amount of time is horrible. I never expected to lose her over an abscess - I know it was ultimately the Meloxicam, but she should never have died. Everything happens for a reason is the general consensus. Well, I can't see the reason why everything was ripped away from me so abruptly.  How can that be for a good reason? 

A friend that works where I do grocery shopping sent me the below poem shortly after Raven died.  This couldn't be more true and appropriate.  She's been a great friend.  What started as a cashier/customer thing has turned into a friendship. Actually, that happened before Raven died.  I know she has been worried about me because she understands what this feels like and I haven't been the same when I am in there. She hugs me every time she does see me and that is greatly appreciated because I know they are genuine.  If you're reading this - I would hope that one day I will be back to throwing my items at you instead of putting them on conveyor. Keep practicing those amazing reflexes you have so that you can be prepared. I think you only missed once, but that was my fault.

Thank you for this!

Three people recently posted the below picture and poem to my Facebook wall in less than 24 hours and I read it each and every time. Each one of them was appreciated more than I can express.  Of course, I cried hard each time I read it and I am trying to believe what it says - it's so hard!

To my dearest friend.

I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep. 

I could see that you were crying you found it hard to sleep. 

I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, 

"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." 

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.

I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my paw on you; I smiled and said, "it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...

in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning

and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to me.

Author Unknown

I wish I could feel her around me and truly know she is here, but that doesn't change the fact that she isn't physically here where I can see, touch and cuddle with her.  I miss her face and her facial expressions. I miss how soft she was.  I miss her meltdowns that were relentless because she didn't give up if she wanted something. I miss her constantly "talking". I miss the kissing and hugging her that she loved so much. I miss the kissy face's she gave daily. I miss her physical presence. 

People say I will know when I am ready for another one.  I'm not so sure about that statement this time around.  Several think I should get another one because I have so much love to give and because perhaps it will take the edge off. I understand both reasons, but there are a lot of fears involved with getting another one. Now would be a good timing-wise because I can supervise and bond since I am not working, but there is more to it than that. It's not Raven and that will be painfully obvious. At this point I feel like I would just be trying to replace her.  I worry that I would be looking for a lot of the same qualities and like I said, Raven set that bar high.  I'm also concerned I would be afraid to bond because of how much I am hurting, missing and longing for Raven right now.  This is so different from the other three I lost. I don't want another cat having Raven's stuff and I have never felt like that before. A friend of mine thinks it's because of feelings of betrayal as a reason for being afraid of getting another cat and I think that is very true - I feel like I would be betraying her. I feel like I betrayed her as it is because she died and I feel like getting another cat would be betraying her.  I also feel like another cat touching her stuff is betraying her.  I still feel like I killed her and that this should never have happened. People tell me I didn't cause this, but I still feel like I did. I failed her. I still feel like I put her in harm's way. It should be Raven here with me, not another cat.  There is also going to be a trust issue in finding a vet if I ever did get another cat. There is only one vet I trust and unfortunately she is not accessible to me location-wise anymore. So, there are so many fears with getting another one, but ultimately it boils down the feeling like I am betraying and trying to replace Raven, as well as the fact that it is not Raven.  

I wasn't ready for this loss. It was so abrupt. I get that we're never truly ready for a loss, but there is a huge difference between knowing they are old, sick and it's truly their time and having them die suddenly and unexpectedly.  

When I started this blog I only expected a few people to read it. I am amazed that more do. Especially because they are so long. It is encouraging though. It will help me to see it through. I really want to document as many memories as I possibly can. It sometimes feels like even through blogging, that there is no way I am going to be able to convey just how unique she was.  I welcome anyone's memories and ideas to add to a post.

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything, so if there are typos, please excuse them - Plus, I cry through 90% of writing these, which impacts vision.

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*