Raven's Story - Raven's Bond With V - Part 2

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

In deep thought?

This is the second installment of telling the story of the beautiful bond between Raven and her V. It's been seven weeks and I wish I could say that this loss hurts a little less, but it doesn't. I am still in the guilt trap and left wondering if I should have tried harder to save her. I know the outcome might have been the same, but it might not have been and I might still have my Raven with me. I hope to look back on these posts one day and smile and laugh like some of you have mentioned that you do while reading them. Others have mentioned that they both laugh and cry while reading them. I am still honored so that so many take the time to read my blog.  I appreciate the support and it definitely helps keep me writing. Although, I really do want to do this so I remember as much as possible about Raven.

I'm not quite sure where to start in their story in this entry.  I guess a good place would be those head massages that V gave to Raven that she loved so much. In fact, she loved them so much that V was the only one who could "do them right". If I tried, Raven literally would just look up at me like, "Nice try, but you're not doing it right."  I knew I wasn't doing it right because when V did it, she would put Raven right to sleep. It didn't take long for Raven to start becoming quite demanding of those massages, both when I was away and when V was over for a visit. As her personal masseuse, V was able to put her right to sleep and down for the count. Completely "in the zone" as V would say.

Raven always knew when V was coming and I never understood that. Although, I really shouldn't be too surprised considering how smart she was in so many areas. I just never understood how she knew V was coming this way rather than heading out. Wherever Raven was, whether it be sleeping on me, laying on the bed, laying on the couch or in the bed she made for herself at the bottom of the linen closet, she would always get up and go to the door before V even got to it. You must understand that the reason this is big is because V lived right next door and our doors weren't far apart. Sleeping or awake, she knew V was coming and beat her to the door. There were a couple of times V came to just drop off coffee and Raven missed her due to being in a deep sleep. Once she woke up just as V was leaving, she would be upset that she missed her and meow at the door. That didn't happen too often.

I took the two pictures below. That was their last time together right before V moved. I took several, most not great - not like the two below are of good quality. The others won't be posted for other reasons. Also, this was not the position Raven was usually in with her, but I think the chips were in the way. You can see in Raven's face that she is totally heading in to that "zone".

All of the below pictures were taken by V various times I was away during their one on one bonding time and routines. From what I know, she used to get up on the arm on the couch and start giving V looks and slamming her head into V's hand. Probably looking at her wondering when the massages where going to start.

I don't know if Raven was just hanging and waiting for a massage or just hanging out watching TV with V in the next ones

Finally, the below pictures are of Raven "in the zone" after her massage.

The other thing that started happening once V started taking care of Raven is that Raven just flat out stopped eating her dinner for me. Dinner was 1/8 of a can of wet because that is all she would eat of it. Raven was a dry food "crack" addict. I think I have mentioned in previous posts that I will never feed dry food to an pet again. I digress - Anyway, Raven decided that she preferred the way V made her dinner and that was it. She would eat some of it for me, but for V, she would eat ALL of it. V would say to me, "I don't understand why. I only did what you told me to do." Hmmmm clearly not. Raven prefers V making it. So, not only was V Raven's personal masseuse, but she was also her personal chef.  I remember one occasion before we really figured out that it was her preference to have V make her food, V and I were hanging out late one afternoon to watch a movie. V went into the kitchen to heat up her coffee and Raven followed her in and started melting down. Meowing and screaming at her. V asked what her problem was. I looked at the time and figured it out real quick. It was close to dinner time and she wanted V to make it for her. Smart girl knew 1 out of 2 that feed her was in the kitchen, so she took full advantage. I replied to V with, "look at the time. She wants you to make her dinner".

I think V's success rate for Raven eating all of it was 99.9%.  V would often send me pictures of Raven's perfectly finished dish while I was away. I didn't keep any of those, but she rubbed it in my face often. As a joke, of course. This whole not eating dinner for me just continued to get worse. It got to the point that I wanted her to have that little bit of wet every day, so even though I wasn't away, V would come in as much as possible and make her dinner. Of course Raven ate it! If V and I were making plans and it was somewhere around Raven's dinner time, V would say, "Don't worry about Raven's dinner. I'll make it when I get there."  I even had V show me what she does differently. Honestly, other than mixing it better, it wasn't that different. I tried doing it the same way she did and had no luck. Sometimes she would eat more for me than other times. V would come in and look and tell me to, "add more water and move it to the middle of the dish so she can get to it easier". Yep, tried that to - Same result! Raven was just messing with me. 

I asked Raven one night if she wanted dinner (yes, she knew the word well) and repeated it for each of the three pictures that I took. Her look almost says, "Yes, I do, but not from you. Are you going to call V over? 

The other major difference between the two of us feeding Raven dinner comes from an instruction I gave to V when I first started going away. I instructed her to leave the kitchen when Raven ate dinner, because she liked to eat it in peace. Nope - turns out that only applied to me. V could do whatever she wanted in the kitchen while she was eating dinner. Turns out Auntie Billy could do whatever she wanted in the kitchen while Raven ate dinner as well.  

Another quirk Raven had about food was with her dry food. She had an oval dish and for some reason she would only eat the food out of the left side of the dish. It it was over on the right side, she wouldn't touch it. If she saw you move it over, she wouldn't touch it. You had to be sneaky about it so she couldn't see or hear you moving it over. Over time, I noticed that every time V came over, she would habitually move Raven's dry food over, even when I was home. I thought that was so sweet.  It worked both ways really.  I would do all the normal things with the dogs when I was over there. Just habits! I remember V and I were at the vet during the 2012 fiasco and they suggested that I put food all over the living room for Raven to hunt to help her lose a bit of weight. I think V and I both laughed. I said, "First off, Raven has absolutely no hunting skills or desire to hunt food, bugs, birds or anything else. Second, Raven won't take treats off the stool in the kitchen and she won't eat out of the right side of her dish. She's not going to eat in the living room." V chimed in and said, "It's true."

This is certainly not the last post about their bond, but on a quick final story on this post, V was sometimes Raven's personal chauffeur too. We took Raven in for her annual exam one year and Raven was freaked out and hiding. Oddly, Raven never used to be afraid of the vet, but that was the first visit after she had to go to the emergency hospital for a reaction to a vaccine. She eventually got back to the point where her vet teams could do anything to her and she was calm. Hence "calmest cat we've ever dealt with", but in the mean time, V took the opportunity to capture the Raven's fear.

Raven really is under there - She thinks we can't see her!

I lifted the towel and V got the perfect shot. She looks so scared though :( Look at those eyes

I will end part two here, but this is to be continued with plenty more to come.

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.

Raven's Story - Raven's Bond With V - Part 1

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

It's been six and a half weeks since I lost Raven and I wish I could say the grieving is getting easier, but it's not. I miss her terribly and even though I try and think of good memories, I always end up thinking back to the last week and a half of her life from the moment the abscess was discovered to the last few days that she was getting worse with kidney failure and the last moments with her before I finally let her go. Thinking about good memories also makes me miss her more and feel like I should still have her here.  It's the guilt that I can't get past. I blame myself for letting the dog in that bit her when there was no need for the dog to be here that day. I also blame the vet for not recognizing that she was in kidney failure when I told him she wet the bed in her sleep and she was drinking excessively. I told him three days before the Internal Medicine Specialist at the emergency hospital diagnosed her. Those three days might have made a huge difference in being able to bring her kidney levels down. I know she got worse Monday, Tuesday and her final day of Wednesday. I informed him on Monday morning. He was so stuck on the potential of her having a pancreatitis flare up that he missed the kidneys. Perhaps he didn't know Meloxicam could cause kidney problems, but he should! I hope to hell he knows now. She did not pee the bed or drink excessively when she got sick in 2012. Either way, I still blame myself because I let the dog in that started the chain events that ultimately led to me having to put her down.  I read a lot and talk a lot about what I am feeling with the guilt and everything makes sense, but it's not helping me to not feel guilty. I would still love nothing more than to hug and kiss her right now - even just for a few moments. Raven loved being both hugged and kissed, as well as offering her own kissy faces. 

The story and bond between Raven and V needs to be broken up into more than one post mainly because their bond was incredible to watch blossom over the years, there's a lot to tell and V was the one who took most of the great pictures of Raven over the years, so there will be a lot of pictures to go with these stories.  I've mentioned before that up until the last few years, it was difficult to get a good picture of Raven without her showing up as a black blob. V was no exception in having those issues in the beginning, but once she was able to start capturing Raven and have her show up in the picture, there was no stopping her. V took amazing shots of Raven that I will cherish forever. The introduction picture on this post is just one of the many beautiful shots she captured of Raven. Admittedly, I wasn't great at taking pictures of Raven. Billy once said something to me along the lines of, "It's because you're trying to force it and V just lets the picture happen".  Fair enough and likely true.

I've been putting off starting this post because I know it is going to be emotional and somewhat painful for me at times.  V was undoubtedly the other one of Raven's favorite humans and I would say as much as Auntie Billy but with so many differences between the two bonds. Another reason I have been putting this off is because I really want to capture and remember as much as possible about them to be able to bring their story to the light that it deserves. 

V is a friend of mine that used to live right next door.  It's times like this where I miss her being right next door the most.  V had two German Shepherds, a female with a name beginning with a J, and a male with a name beginning with a C. I looked after them and V looked after Raven. We had a pretty good system. I basically used to just group the three of them together as the furkids. Raven had V wrapped around her paw and J had me wrapped around her paw.  I had a bond with both dogs, but J and I were especially bonded. While I admitted she had me wrapped around her paw, to this day V still won't admit Raven had her wrapped around her paw. I intend to prove otherwise. One of the reasons I am struggling with her not being right next door is because seeing and/or taking care of the dogs was a sense of normalcy. It would certainly help provide a good, brief distraction during this horrible time.

As life would have it, J passed away on October 1, 2014 and even though she wasn't my dog, her leaving this world hit me pretty hard. There was a part of me that was still mourning that loss when Raven died and is still mourning that loss today. I can't explain it, but we were connected and her passing hurt. RIP J, I hope that even though you and Raven were not friends here in the physical world, that you are together and friends wherever you are! That you are both still with V, C and I, watching over us and knowing how much you're missed and loved.  I would have no doubt that Raven would visit V and Auntie Billy if that is possible.  The difference between Raven and J's passing is that we knew J was sick and it was a bit sudden because we thought she had a bit longer to live, but I actually started mourning her as soon as I found out about it a couple of months prior.  I didn't have that option with Raven because I basically contributed to her death. Raven and J were close in age. Only 6 months apart. I used to joke that they went through a lot of same things together as far as aging pets goes. I never in a million years thought they would die a month and a half apart.

Raven was not friends with the dogs, but they all knew each other's scents. In fact, C was absolutely in love with Raven.  The love was not reciprocated by Raven. I don't remember how it even started, but I do know his obsession increased over time.  Every time he saw her in the hall when he was about to go for a walk, his eyes would light up with love. When I would go over to take care of them, he would smell my shoes and get this look of love that seemed to say "*Swoon* I smell her.  When the dogs were on the balcony, they would usually stand up and say hi to me, except C had a different agenda. He would be trying to look in my door looking for Raven. When I would bring her out on the balcony for him to see her, that made his day. Unfortunately for him, she wasn't interested in being friends. As shown below, Raven wasn't even looking at him. In the second picture, it looks like she is looking at her V, who was taking the picture.  Excuse my bedhead. I think I had just woke up.

I don't remember when their bond started, but I know it intensified when I started to go away in 2011 and continued to grow each time I went away. I would go for 8 days twice a year.  When V moved last May, I was worried about who could look after Raven if I went away again.  Raven and V not only had their routines, but not only was V the only one I would trust 100% to look after her, I think Raven felt the same way. Plus, V was there every step of the way when Raven got sick in 2012, so she knew what to look for and what to do if something went wrong while I was gone. That would have been hard to do with someone else.  I guess if everything happens for a reason, I don't need to worry about who would look after Raven if I go away. The issue never came up due to Raven passing 6 months later and I don't intend on going anywhere any time soon. 

When I first decided to go away I chose to only go for five days and four nights. I knew Raven had separation anxiety, so I wanted to see how she would do with V while I was gone. Being away from her for long periods wasn't all that easy for me either. I missed her a lot!  Raven did great, but I will never forget the look of surprise and happiness on her face when I returned. She also talked her face off and stuck to me like glue for two days. That pattern continued every time I went away and returned. Raven definitely wasn't completely miserable while I was gone either. She had a lot of fun, massages, cuddles, hall time and love. We'll get more into that throughout the posts about their bond.  It's not like V just came in, fed her and left. She made sure to spend some time with Raven - just like I did with J & C. I never went in, walked and fed them and then left. We had our routines just like Raven and V did. The furkids all came to expect their routines from both of us.  

Raven quickly learned what it meant when I got the suitcase out.  The below photos are from packing for various trips over the last three years.

Trying to open it

Getting there

Success!

I love the look on her face here

I was always sent pictures of Raven while I was gone.  They will be posted in continuations of this story.  The below picture was from the first time I left her.

V didn't have a lot of experience with cats before bonding with Raven. At least no experience with cats that have as large of a personality as Raven had. Whenever V was over for movie & wine nights or any other reason to hang out, Raven used to sit between us, but always closer to V and of course she always had to be touching V.  She used to test Raven's patience and tolerance by poking at her, gently squeezing her etc., but of course Raven put up with anything from the ones she loved. It was very hard to piss Raven off. I used to stand over her with my legs spread, lift her up so she was standing and kiss her head like crazy. I thought for sure that would drive her crazy, but Raven loved it! She would lift her head back up to be kissed and then when I put her down, she would turn around, walk through my legs and come back for more. She was such a happy girl! Just looking at Raven would make her purr loudly. I used to tell V not to do to other cats what she can do to Raven because it likely wouldn't be received well by most. It could lead to hissing, scratching or biting. I think even V holds other cats to Raven's high standard. It's hard not to and not too many cats compare to her large personality.  

There is just so much I want to get into with their story. I will end part one here, but this is to be continued with plenty more to come.

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.

Raven's Story - Auntie Billy

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

Raven with her Auntie Billy

I've kept names out of this blog.  This one will be no exception because Billy is not her real name. It's a nickname I have used for her for many years and it's the name Raven knew her by.  Yes, Raven knew her name and I will get into that later on - complete with a picture.

The story of Auntie Billy and Raven deserves its own post.  The bond that Raven and Auntie Billy shared was close to as strong and the one Raven and I shared. Auntie Billy was Raven's absolute favorite person.  When Auntie Billy came to visit for weekends, I lost Raven for almost the entire weekend.  I just hope I can capture everything without forgetting an important memory because Raven truly had Auntie Billy wrapped around her paw.

Raven feeling safe and loved snuggling with her Auntie Billy

A repeat picture, but a precious one - Raven giving a Kissy Face to her Auntie Billy - Raven always wanted to be with her

First, before I get into their bond and story, this is where I completely blame myself for Raven's death. Not only that, but I feel like I ruined Auntie Billy and Raven's last weekend together.  I know Billy doesn't want me to feel bad, but I can't help it.  It was the last weekend Billy was here that led to the fateful events.  I wanted Billy to meet the little dog that bit Raven. I knew from the dog being here before that Raven and the dog were not friends, but I didn't know anything about abscesses or that Raven even got nipped.  I know I went into that in the first blog post.  I feel like if I hadn't have brought the dog here to meet Billy, Raven would still be alive. That's what was my fault.  The drug may have sent her into kidney failure, but none of that would have happened if I hadn't brought the dog over that day.  Not only that, but Raven took it out on Billy for the entire weekend.  She was hissing at her and even swatted her hand, drawing blood for no reason. This was NOT Raven at all.  We just thought she was jealous that she saw the dog sitting beside HER Auntie Billy.  Thinking back now it might have been because she was in pain from being nipped. Perhaps a combination of pain and jealousy. Either way, I feel horrible.  I don't know how to not feel responsible because it's exactly what led to me losing her. It is my fault. 

I talk, I blog, I think, I read, I cry and I write to some people outside of blogging, yet none of it seems to be helping.  I pretty much have every single thing listed in the below site.

http://www.petlosshelp.org/10commonquestions.html

From the second Auntie Billy walked in the door Raven would be all over her meowing and following her around.  If it had been a very long time since Raven had seen her, she would yell loudly at her - fact! Poor Billy couldn't even go to the bathroom without Raven being upset that she left her and waiting right at the bathroom door.  If we went out on the balcony for a smoke, Raven would sit at the window and meow.  This was not something Raven did when I would go outside when Billy wasn't around. So, yeah, Raven got pretty upset when her Auntie Billy would leave her even for a second.

If I said to Raven, "Where's Auntie Billy?", she would go to the door. I only did that a handful of times because once I realized she understood it, I felt horrible for getting her hopes up.  I was on the phone with Billy once and Raven was sitting on the bed. I said the magic words and Raven went flying off the bed and went to stare at the door.  That's when I snapped the below picture.  The one below that is one other time I asked her where her Auntie Billy is.

I used to use this one to guilt Billy into coming for a weekend to see her baby.

Having Auntie Billy here meant not only a lot of extra attention, but also almost unlimited hall time, since Auntie Billy would almost always let Raven out when she was having a fit at the door, and a lot of laser light play time. Raven preferred to play with the laser light with Billy more than anyone. With me she would get bored after a few minutes no matter how much I tried to do it the same as Auntie Billy does.  If Billy and I were playing a game, Raven would get in her face to indicate that she wants to play with the laser light. Raven would make it impossible for Billy and I to continue doing what we were doing.  

Raven making sure Auntie Billy can't do anything but pay attention to her.

I believe in this one, Auntie Billy got up to go in the kitchen, but another one where Raven made her presence known and demanded attention

Playing with Billy and the laser light in one of her many treasured boxes Raven would get at Christmas

Billy would get Raven running all over the place for that light.

If we were just chilling and watching movies, Raven always had to be snuggling with her Auntie Billy. Normally that's what she would do with me when I am on the couch, but not when Auntie Billy was here.  If she chose to sit between the two of us, she was always closer to Billy and always had to be touching her. So, yep, I basically lost my Raven every time Auntie Billy came to visit. She did still sleep with me, but we also figured out she slept with Billy half the night too.

Raven had an unusual ability to know when people were sleeping. The unusual part was that she knew to be quiet every time someone was sleeping on the couch.  Normally when she talked, which was often, she was loud. A lot of people can attest to that.  However, when someone was sleeping, she would still talk, but very quietly.  Billy often fell asleep before I did and normally when Raven knew her and I were going to bed, she would meltdown loudly for her last feeding, but while anyone was asleep on the couch, the meltdown was very quiet.  Billy actually witnessed it one morning when I woke up before she did.  I came in from the balcony and Raven did her quiet meows for her normal routine.

Eventually Raven learned Billy's routines, especially in the morning. I caught it a few times.  Raven and I would be sleeping and she would hear Billy get up, so she'd wake up and fly out the bedroom door.  Well, I guess a couple of times she was disappointed because Billy was only going to the bathroom and then would go back to sleep.  I caught Raven waiting in bed with me until she knew if Billy was going outside to have a smoke or not.  If she was, then Raven would get up and fly out into the living room to go wait for her, otherwise she learned to stay in bed until she knew Auntie Billy was up for good.  I was told there were a few occasions where Billy got up for a bit, played with Raven and then they both went back to bed.

A funny story that happened recently to prove just how much Raven loved her Auntie Billy, wanted to be with her and how smart Raven was.  Billy was going to sleep, so she did up the couch. She wasn't quite ready to crash, so I sat on the end of the couch so we could talk for a bit.  Raven jumped up on the arm of the couch beside me and started to rub her head all over my back, shoulder and head. I knew this wasn't a kissy face. I knew she was trying to move me. Then she started to up her game. She started biting my hair, gently hitting my head and then physically trying to push my off with her body.  Raven even went as far as to try and "bite" my shoulder. She was trying to put my entire shoulder in her mouth.  She wanted me gone and was going to great lengths to get rid of me.  I finally got up and Raven thought she won.  She immediately laid down with Auntie Billy, glared at me and stretched out as much as she could so there was no room for me to sit back down.  Below is the proof.

I believe Auntie Billy is where Raven's love of fire trucks came from.  Every time she would hear a fire truck, Raven would go running to the window.  Even if she was in a dead sleep, she would get up and run to the window.  It was only fire truck sirens. Not ambulances or police sirens.  Billy has a love of firemen and maybe firetrucks too, but I would say more the former. On more than one occasion while Billy was here, both Billy and Raven were seen looking out the window together when there was a fire truck going by.  I wish I had taken a picture of it.

Raven was always both upset and worn out by the end of the visits.  Upset because when Billy left, we usually ran out first and then I would come back without her.  Raven would look for her, be mad at me because she wasn't with me and then go crash for several hours. Usually she was so tired that I would have to wake her up and ask her if she wanted dinner.  The fatigue came from not only all the extra play, but also because Raven rarely went to go nap the entire time Billy was here because she stayed awake every minute so as not to miss a thing.

I will forever feel horrible for ending their bond the way I did, but their bond was a joy to watch.  

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.

Raven's Story - 'Tis the Season

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

Her toy was never far from her - See ball on left

'Tis the season and I am not celebrating it. I am having nothing to do with Christmas at all. I actually started losing interest in Christmas two years ago when I was essentially ditched and left alone for Christmas day.  Last year I was laid off right before Christmas, which doesn't exactly throw you into the holiday spirit when you were already struggling with it, but did my best to at least decorate.  This year I feel I have nothing to celebrate at all.  Yes, I am aware there are many that have it far worse than I do, yet that doesn't help me feel I have something to celebrate.  I have had a couple of offers of invites to spend Christmas at other people's places, but the point is I am not celebrating it at all. Going to where someone else is celebrating when I am so down is not going to help them or I.  Though, I appreciated the offers.  I don't feel capable of "faking it" for Christmas celebrations and I am not about to ruin someone else's celebrations.  If I thought it would help, I would do it, but I know in my hurting heart that it will not help me.

Putting up the tree would be unbearably painful. There are several custom ornaments that were made for Raven and other ornaments that have pictures of her, as well as pictures of her and I. Looking at them any other year will be painful, but right now truly would send me further down.

Raven never bothered with the tree at all.  Actually, out of the four, the only one that caused a real issue was Soleil. She would be up and down the tree and thought all ornaments were toys.  Ashley just cared about sleeping under the tree. Trixie constantly tried to eat the tree. He thought all flowers/plants were for him whether they were real or fake.  Raven liked to lay under the tree, but her big issue was the tree skirt. She didn't like it all straightened out. She preferred to bunch it up.  If you straightened it, she would bunch it up in the middle again.  It was an ongoing issue every year.

Raven and Ashley under the tree

In this one you can see where Raven is starting to bunch it up

I don't have any photos of the tree skirt bunched all the way up in the middle and I wish I did.  While Raven was amazing with not caring about the tree and the ornaments, you could never leave presents under the tree. Her love of paper led her to rip all the gifts open.  She just couldn't resist. I don't have any pictures of those memories either.  The last five pictures are of a box she didn't fit in too well, but that never stopped her.

Likely plotting how to open them all while I sit right there - Note her toy close to her again!

Raven seemed to love Christmas. She loved the socializing, attention and the best part for her were the boxes. She loved opening them and squeezing in.  I guess that was one of the rare cat-like traits she had.  All of the examples below are boxes she opened herself. The last

Raven's other favorite part about Christmas was probably the bags - another "cat-like" feature of hers, I suppose.

It was really all bags.  Raven had to know what was in there.  It even happened with a chip bag that still had chips in it.  She didn't touch the chips at all.  If your hand was in a chip bag, a lot of times she would attack it from the outside. Yes, in the picture below she is on the table. A friend and I were just playing a game.  If there was actual food on the table or a meal was being eaten at it, she never jumped up on it.  I think my nephew taught her that when she was younger with the Cheerios incidents.  I rarely eat at the table anyway, but she knew not to do it.  Perhaps it was just part of her "good girl" instinct.  

Raven was spoiled with several toys for Christmas for a few years as well.  It wasn't me who bought them because I knew better.  Raven had no interest in any new toy, just her regular favorites were all she needed and wanted. However, was interested in one new toy for a very short period of time. Probably the length it took to take the picture.  I tried to get her interested in it a few times over the years and it was a no go.  See below.

I am still so lost without Raven and it's been a month. Raven was my one and only unconditional constant. Any other constant I thought I have had in the past turned out to be an illusion on my part.  Raven was my world.  Right or wrong, that's what it was.  It was that strong bond and her outgoing, smart, loving personality.  I knew I would lose her one day because cats have shorter lifespans than humans, but to lose her under the conditions that I did was not expected. It's like one day she was fine and the next she was gone.  I think that's why I am struggling more. It's been suggested to me that I have not accepted the loss and that is likely true.  I don't know how to accept this one under these circumstances.  I still wonder if I should have done more to try and save her rather than "letting her go".  Her whole life I thought I was doing everything right for her and now I feel like I did everything wrong.  I absolutely still blame myself for the situation that led to her death.  I can't see any "good" reason why this happened.  I am trying to find some good that can come out of it and just can't seem to find anything.  Maybe her story will somehow save another animal, but that doesn't help me cope with my unexpected loss. I feel this loss every minute of every day from the moment I wake up in tears to the moment I finally fall asleep at night.  I guess my inability to accept this loss is why I keep cycling and circling through the stages of grief. 

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them.