Raven's Story - In Loving Memory
February 16, 2005-November 19, 2014
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| The last moments - This is one of the many images of that last week and a half that is burned into my mind |
One year today! It was one year ago today that my world was shattered. That picture above was my last few moments with her and I wish I could freeze that moment and have it forever. Better yet, not have even had the events that led up to that moment. That whole last week and a half and even the three weeks prior that led up to that moment are forever etched in my brain. I would give anything to have her back. To get a kissy face from her. The year has both flown by and felt like it's dragged at the same time. The pain is still so deep that it feels like it just happened. My heart is so heavy and hurts so much.
This kind of grief completely changes you. At least it has completely changed me in so many ways. It's changed me in a completely unrecognizable way in some aspects. People who I once thought mattered and that I mattered to, even if I hoped it was just an iota to them, no longer matter as I see what I have been in denial about for so long. For me, when it's gone, it's gone and there is no going back. The people who truly cared have stepped forward and were there, and not just for a brief appearance just for show, or made excuses and lies telling themselves their reach wasn't received well. Taking someone else's grief personally says oh so much about that other person. The liars, in whatever capacity it is, are removed phase by phase as you no longer have the tolerance to take it and hope for the best. I really didn't have any expectations of anyone unless they made a specific statement and didn't follow through or just didn't bother at all. With having no expectations came some surprises and support from more sources than I could have imagined. None of the true supporters judge the fact that I am still grieving to this day. Most completely get it and if they don't, they don't judge. Even some things that I used to enjoy doing no longer matter or define me. Raven's death came at a time when a lot of other crappy situations unfolded, but they proved to pale in comparison and still do.
I've said it in previous blogs, but it still holds true today. I miss Raven every second of every day. Even though I have Luna and I definitely love her with all of my heart, it doesn't take away the pain and guilt. I still logically know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it doesn't change how I really feel no matter what logic says. I put her in harm's way and had no reason to have the dog here that day. Raven would still be with me as that choice is what led to her death. That's just the fact. I know that I didn't knowingly put her in harm's way, yet that doesn't change how guilty I feel.
I've said it in previous blogs, but it still holds true today. I miss Raven every second of every day. Even though I have Luna and I definitely love her with all of my heart, it doesn't take away the pain and guilt. I still logically know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it doesn't change how I really feel no matter what logic says. I put her in harm's way and had no reason to have the dog here that day. Raven would still be with me as that choice is what led to her death. That's just the fact. I know that I didn't knowingly put her in harm's way, yet that doesn't change how guilty I feel.
The kitten turned a year old on November 12th and exactly one week later this tragic event has an anniversary. I've thought of that for a long time - how Luna was born exactly one week before Raven died. As it is I am pretty paranoid about losing Luna. What makes it worse is that she has her own set of health issues that likely stemmed from the hell hole hoarder house that she was born into. Also, Luna has a lot of differences, but can easily be compared to the two of the hardest pet losses I have dealt with that were young, sudden and unexpected. Luna is very much an in between personality of Soleil and Raven. She is a handful and a badass, yet all about love and very calm. You can do anything to her and all she wants when she is not getting into trouble is to be in her Mommy's arms. Luna is a love bug that will kiss you and then bite your nose because she thinks that is love.
The biggest surprise in the last year is that I now have a dog in addition to Luna. For those who don't know Raven's story from the beginning, the incident that started the chain of events that led to Raven's death was from a dog bite that I didn't even know happened a few weeks earlier. I blame myself because Raven and the dog were not friends and there was no reason for her (the dog that I sometimes looked after) to be there that day. I brought the dog in. I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty, but I do. If I hadn't made that stupid decision, I'd still have Raven. I certainly wanted nothing to do with having a dog. However, I guess there were other plans. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Luna needed a friend. Any time I would go anywhere, Luna would just lay by door until I came back. It wasn't something she outgrew. As it stood, her best friend is my friend's chihuahua mix. I did try to rescue a cat, but it was a quick epic fail! In order for a cat to work, it would've had to have been a male kitten that Luna could boss around. Additionally, Luna has Feline CoronaVirus, so that would put another cat/kitten at risk. Luna just seems to relate more to dogs. I put a lot of thought into it and did some research. I wanted to rescue, but I wanted a young dog so they could play, but that was already good with cats. I adopted a (at the time) 13 month old blue chihuahua who is an abused rescue who spent over 6 months in foster care. His first 6 months of life were hell! He's 16 months old now. I went straight for the underdog with trust issues. I have hired a trainer for him and we have a lot of work to do, but the strange part is that while he and Luna have to learn to trust each other a little more, they definitely love each other. They are like siblings. They play, but he annoys her at times. Luna's best friend is still Khloe and the puppy has his own best friend int he building. However, it is adorable when Luna, Blu and Khloe play together. I love my dog, but the only reason a dog was considered was because of Luna. If you had asked me even 4 months ago if I wanted a dog, I would have said "Hell no!". I love Khloe and she was/is welcome here any time, but I still didn't want to own a dog. It still feels like a betrayal to Raven. As it is, whenever I see the dog that bit her, I don't engage too much. I say hi to her, but I don't get all loving with her. I don't blame her and she certainly doesn't know that her nip/bite led to a death, but that doesn't mean I want much to do with her. To me, it's Raven's honor.
If anyone reading this has grieved this long, you're not alone. Grief is grief and a bond is a bond - it doesn't matter if it's a human or a furbaby. The grief and guilt are exactly the same. My feelings don't stop just because someone else feels it's too long to grieve or feels it's different because it was a pet. Sometimes pets are the stronger bond because the humans in your life are unreliable and conditional with no morals or capabilities of treating you no less than a choice and yet they choose you when it's convenient or for obligation or show. No thanks!
I've recently learned that grief can take a minimum of two years. The first year is all the "firsts" and making it to the anniversary and the second year can lead into acceptance. It's hard to know at this point, but I do know that this has done a number on me, even causing some mile PTSD. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It was all pretty traumatic.
I know I haven't blogged in such a long time, yet there is still so much I want to capture on here about Raven. I haven't abandoned or forgotten about the project. Short of work where I have to be, finding enough time to sit at the computer and do it has been tricky. I hope that this blog has helped people and continues to do so. I know I have had thousands of views from all over the world. Feel free to share your story in the comments or in an email. All emails are read.
I am glad to have had support to get through this rough day. Every day is still rough without her, but for obvious reasons this one hits harder. To this day I still say "Kissy face, Raven. I miss you and I love you.", every night. I don't know if that matters or not, but just in case there is a chance she hears it, I will continue to say it.
Kissy face, Raven. I love you so much! You are so very missed! XOXO
The biggest surprise in the last year is that I now have a dog in addition to Luna. For those who don't know Raven's story from the beginning, the incident that started the chain of events that led to Raven's death was from a dog bite that I didn't even know happened a few weeks earlier. I blame myself because Raven and the dog were not friends and there was no reason for her (the dog that I sometimes looked after) to be there that day. I brought the dog in. I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty, but I do. If I hadn't made that stupid decision, I'd still have Raven. I certainly wanted nothing to do with having a dog. However, I guess there were other plans. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Luna needed a friend. Any time I would go anywhere, Luna would just lay by door until I came back. It wasn't something she outgrew. As it stood, her best friend is my friend's chihuahua mix. I did try to rescue a cat, but it was a quick epic fail! In order for a cat to work, it would've had to have been a male kitten that Luna could boss around. Additionally, Luna has Feline CoronaVirus, so that would put another cat/kitten at risk. Luna just seems to relate more to dogs. I put a lot of thought into it and did some research. I wanted to rescue, but I wanted a young dog so they could play, but that was already good with cats. I adopted a (at the time) 13 month old blue chihuahua who is an abused rescue who spent over 6 months in foster care. His first 6 months of life were hell! He's 16 months old now. I went straight for the underdog with trust issues. I have hired a trainer for him and we have a lot of work to do, but the strange part is that while he and Luna have to learn to trust each other a little more, they definitely love each other. They are like siblings. They play, but he annoys her at times. Luna's best friend is still Khloe and the puppy has his own best friend int he building. However, it is adorable when Luna, Blu and Khloe play together. I love my dog, but the only reason a dog was considered was because of Luna. If you had asked me even 4 months ago if I wanted a dog, I would have said "Hell no!". I love Khloe and she was/is welcome here any time, but I still didn't want to own a dog. It still feels like a betrayal to Raven. As it is, whenever I see the dog that bit her, I don't engage too much. I say hi to her, but I don't get all loving with her. I don't blame her and she certainly doesn't know that her nip/bite led to a death, but that doesn't mean I want much to do with her. To me, it's Raven's honor.
If anyone reading this has grieved this long, you're not alone. Grief is grief and a bond is a bond - it doesn't matter if it's a human or a furbaby. The grief and guilt are exactly the same. My feelings don't stop just because someone else feels it's too long to grieve or feels it's different because it was a pet. Sometimes pets are the stronger bond because the humans in your life are unreliable and conditional with no morals or capabilities of treating you no less than a choice and yet they choose you when it's convenient or for obligation or show. No thanks!
I've recently learned that grief can take a minimum of two years. The first year is all the "firsts" and making it to the anniversary and the second year can lead into acceptance. It's hard to know at this point, but I do know that this has done a number on me, even causing some mile PTSD. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It was all pretty traumatic.
I know I haven't blogged in such a long time, yet there is still so much I want to capture on here about Raven. I haven't abandoned or forgotten about the project. Short of work where I have to be, finding enough time to sit at the computer and do it has been tricky. I hope that this blog has helped people and continues to do so. I know I have had thousands of views from all over the world. Feel free to share your story in the comments or in an email. All emails are read.
I am glad to have had support to get through this rough day. Every day is still rough without her, but for obvious reasons this one hits harder. To this day I still say "Kissy face, Raven. I miss you and I love you.", every night. I don't know if that matters or not, but just in case there is a chance she hears it, I will continue to say it.
Kissy face, Raven. I love you so much! You are so very missed! XOXO
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| I miss her beautiful face so much. This was more of a dirty look because I asked her if she wanted dinner. That was the look I got because she wasn't a fan of how I made her dinner! She wanted her chef, V. See the posts about her bond with V |
*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*
*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them
*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them
