Raven's Story - One Year Ago Today That My World Was Unexpectedly Shattered

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

February 16, 2005-November 19, 2014

The last moments - This is one of the many images of that last week and a half that is burned into my mind

One year today! It was one year ago today that my world was shattered. That picture above was my last few moments with her and I wish I could freeze that moment and have it forever.  Better yet, not have even had the events that led up to that moment. That whole last week and a half and even the three weeks prior that led up to that moment are forever etched in my brain. I would give anything to have her back. To get a kissy face from her. The year has both flown by and felt like it's dragged at the same time.  The pain is still so deep that it feels like it just happened. My heart is so heavy and hurts so much.

This kind of grief completely changes you. At least it has completely changed me in so many ways. It's changed me in a completely unrecognizable way in some aspects. People who I once thought mattered and that I mattered to, even if I hoped it was just an iota to them, no longer matter as I see what I have been in denial about for so long. For me, when it's gone, it's gone and there is no going back.  The people who truly cared have stepped forward and were there, and not just for a brief appearance just for show, or made excuses and lies telling themselves their reach wasn't received well. Taking someone else's grief personally says oh so much about that other person. The liars, in whatever capacity it is, are removed phase by phase as you no longer have the tolerance to take it and hope for the best.  I really didn't have any expectations of anyone unless they made a specific statement and didn't follow through or just didn't bother at all.  With having no expectations came some surprises and support from more sources than I could have imagined. None of the true supporters judge the fact that I am still grieving to this day. Most completely get it and if they don't, they don't judge.  Even some things that I used to enjoy doing no longer matter or define me.  Raven's death came at a time when a lot of other crappy situations unfolded, but they proved to pale in comparison and still do.

I've said it in previous blogs, but it still holds true today. I miss Raven every second of every day. Even though I have Luna and I definitely love her with all of my heart, it doesn't take away the pain and guilt. I still logically know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it doesn't change how I really feel no matter what logic says. I put her in harm's way and had no reason to have the dog here that day. Raven would still be with me as that choice is what led to her death. That's just the fact. I know that I didn't knowingly put her in harm's way, yet that doesn't change how guilty I feel.

The kitten turned a year old on November 12th and exactly one week later this tragic event has an anniversary.  I've thought of that for a long time - how Luna was born exactly one week before Raven died.  As it is I am pretty paranoid about losing Luna.  What makes it worse is that she has her own set of health issues that likely stemmed from the hell hole hoarder house that she was born into.  Also, Luna has a lot of differences, but can easily be compared to the two of the hardest pet losses I have dealt with that were young, sudden and unexpected.  Luna is very much an in between personality of Soleil and Raven.  She is a handful and a badass, yet all about love and very calm.  You can do anything to her and all she wants when she is not getting into trouble is to be in her Mommy's arms. Luna is a love bug that will kiss you and then bite your nose because she thinks that is love.
       
The biggest surprise in the last year is that I now have a dog in addition to Luna. For those who don't know Raven's story from the beginning, the incident that started the chain of events that led to Raven's death was from a dog bite that I didn't even know happened a few weeks earlier. I blame myself because Raven and the dog were not friends and there was no reason for her (the dog that I sometimes looked after) to be there that day. I brought the dog in. I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty, but I do. If I hadn't made that stupid decision, I'd still have Raven. I certainly wanted nothing to do with having a dog. However, I guess there were other plans. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Luna needed a friend. Any time I would go anywhere, Luna would just lay by door until I came back. It wasn't something she outgrew. As it stood, her best friend is my friend's chihuahua mix. I did try to rescue a cat, but it was a quick epic fail! In order for a cat to work, it would've had to have been a male kitten that Luna could boss around.  Additionally, Luna has Feline CoronaVirus, so that would put another cat/kitten at risk.  Luna just seems to relate more to dogs.  I put a lot of thought into it and did some research. I wanted to rescue, but I wanted a young dog so they could play, but that was already good with cats.  I adopted a (at the time) 13 month old blue chihuahua who is an abused rescue who spent over 6 months in foster care. His first 6 months of life were hell! He's 16 months old now. I went straight for the underdog with trust issues. I have hired a trainer for him and we have a lot of work to do, but the strange part is that while he and Luna have to learn to trust each other a little more, they definitely love each other. They are like siblings. They play, but he annoys her at times.  Luna's best friend is still Khloe and the puppy has his own best friend int he building. However, it is adorable when Luna, Blu and Khloe play together. I love my dog, but the only reason a dog was considered was because of Luna. If you had asked me even 4 months ago if I wanted a dog, I would have said "Hell no!".  I love Khloe and she was/is welcome here any time, but I still didn't want to own a dog.  It still feels like a betrayal to Raven.  As it is, whenever I see the dog that bit her, I don't engage too much. I say hi to her, but I don't get all loving with her.  I don't blame her and she certainly doesn't know that her nip/bite led to a death, but that doesn't mean I want much to do with her.  To me, it's Raven's honor.

If anyone reading this has grieved this long, you're not alone. Grief is grief and a bond is a bond - it doesn't matter if it's a human or a furbaby. The grief and guilt are exactly the same. My feelings don't stop just because someone else feels it's too long to grieve or feels it's different because it was a pet. Sometimes pets are the stronger bond because the humans in your life are unreliable and conditional with no morals or capabilities of treating you no less than a choice and yet they choose you when it's convenient or for obligation or show. No thanks!

I've recently learned that grief can take a minimum of two years. The first year is all the "firsts" and making it to the anniversary and the second year can lead into acceptance.  It's hard to know at this point, but I do know that this has done a number on me, even causing some mile PTSD.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It was all pretty traumatic.  

I know I haven't blogged in such a long time, yet there is still so much I want to capture on here about Raven. I haven't abandoned or forgotten about the project.  Short of work where I have to be, finding enough time to sit at the computer and do it has been tricky.  I hope that this blog has helped people and continues to do so. I know I have had thousands of views from all over the world.  Feel free to share your story in the comments or in an email.  All emails are read.

I am glad to have had support to get through this rough day.  Every day is still rough without her, but for obvious reasons this one hits harder.  To this day I still say "Kissy face, Raven. I miss you and I love you.", every night.  I don't know if that matters or not, but just in case there is a chance she hears it, I will continue to say it.  

Kissy face, Raven.  I love you so much! You are so very missed! XOXO

I miss her beautiful face so much.  This was more of a dirty look because I asked her if she wanted dinner. That was the look I got because she wasn't a fan of how I made her dinner! She wanted her chef, V. See the posts about her bond with V

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them

Raven's Story - Happy Birthday, Raven!

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

This was taken on her birthday last year

February 16, 2005-November 19, 2014

Happy Birthday, Raven! Today would have been Raven's 10th birthday, so emotionally it's not a good day for me.  I really do seem to miss her more everyday. I can't shake feeling guilty and that she should still be here with me. I don't know if she hears me or not, but I do say, "kissy face, Raven" and
"I miss you and love you" daily, just in case she is actually around somewhere and can hear me. I don't know how long I will continue to do that daily, but right now it's something I feel I have to do.  I still miss those kissy faces so much. It's not something I can teach to Luna because as mentioned before, it's something Raven did from the beginning and all I did was teach her a phrase to go with the action. Plus, it was Raven's thing.

I took the two below pictures on her birthday last year as well.

I finally received her paw prints last Wednesday, which marked 12 weeks that she died. They also sent me a lock of her hair. Of course the arrival of this package brought on a fresh breakdown. While I do still cry at least once a day because I miss her, the paw prints and lock of hair created uncontrollable sobbing. I still don't know if I am going to put her paw print with the other three prints of Trixie, Ashley and Soleil, or if I am going to put it in her shadow box when that gets done. The lock of hair surprised me. I remember the Internal Medicine Specialist saying something about her hair, but I don't remember any decision about keeping a lock of her hair.  

Raven's paw prints

Raven's lock of hair

Even though it's been almost five weeks that I have had Luna, it still feels a bit strange and foreign to me.  Don't get me wrong, I love her more than I thought possible, especially considering the deep level of grief I am still experiencing.  Having her just feels a bit strange sometimes. I wouldn't say it feels wrong, just weird. I'm sure it will get easier as time passes and we establish our own routines.  While Luna is extremely loving and snuggly, I miss my snuggle bunny Raven so much. 

Lately I have been thinking about and missing how Raven used to basically rearrange items in the apartment and how she used to seem to love to scare the crap out of herself. Whenever I would print something, she would come running to the printer and try and stick her head in where the paper came out, but she would constantly jump back from being startled. Raven would also come in the bathroom when I was in there and startle herself with the shower curtain. That one is hard to explain, but she would stick her head underneath between the two curtains and then jump back in a startled manner.  It's like she loved to scare the crap out of herself. The result was always the same.

As far as moving things around, it started fairly young. She used to jump up in the linen closet and knock the amount of towels down that she wanted gone in order to be comfortable.  See pictures below.  Occasionally she would bring her toy (the one and only ball) up there with her and forget that's where she left it, which would lead to a meltdown because she couldn't find it.

I have this cat tent, and the only one who really seemed to enjoy it was Ashley. I think she would go in there to get away with Raven. Sometimes Raven would try and play attack Ashley from the outside of the tent, but would never dare go in and try anything while Ashley was in there.  One night I came out to the living room to find that Raven decided to move the tent to the other side of the room. I didn't hear any commotion as she was doing this, so I am not sure how long it took her. The first picture is just a random one of her sitting behind the tent, hiding as if I can't see her? Not sure! However, the other two are where the tent normally sits and where Raven moved it to.

Where the tent normally sits

Where Raven decided she wanted it

It was a one time occurrence, but still pretty funny.

There was another time where she decided she wanted a blanked that was piled under my dolphin pillow pet and a sheet that is kept beside the couch.  My smart girl moved everything to pull the blanket out.  Raven pulled it off of the Wii board on the the floor where she wanted it.  Of course that was after knocking the pillow over and pulling it out from under the sheet.

I just miss her so much and I wish the grieving would stop hurting so badly.  I miss how she would purr the minute you would look at her. Raven was such a relaxed, trusting and happy girl!  I just don't know how to get over this loss.

Happy Birthday, Raven!!!! 

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them

Raven's Story - 11 Weeks and the Loss Still Hurts!

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

Oh that face!

It's been 11 weeks since I had to say good bye to Raven and it's still very painful. I've mentioned that I feel she was too young and it was a complete shock the way it all happened, especially considering she was an indoor cat. Between the circumstances surrounding losing her, the guilt I feel, the fact that some other major losses happened at the exact same time and of course how close and bonded I was to her - I am definitely still grieving deeply.  I am learning that it is okay that I am still hurting. This was a tough loss to bear and still is.  Some understand and some don't.  The grieving process doesn't change because she was a "pet".  There is no law or rule that says pain is less or your length of grief is less because she was a "pet".  In some people's cases, and certainly in this one, I am grieving harder than I have for any human thus far.

The below info is from a site with information about pet loss grieving, but a lot of the sites on Pet Grieving say the same thing. I should not feel guilty, stupid or like something is wrong with me because I am still grieving so badly. I only pasted some of the information, so if you want to read the whole article it's here - http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-pet-loss.htm I also have a link for a pet loss website on my links on the side.

• The grieving process happens only gradually. It can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
• Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to the loss of a beloved pet.Exhibiting these feelings doesn’t mean you are weak, so you shouldn’t feel ashamed.
• Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it. By expressing your grief, you’ll likely need less time to heal than if you withhold or “bottle up” your feelings. Write about your feelings and talk with others about them.

Dealing with the loss of a pet when others devalue your loss

One aspect that can make grieving for the loss of a pet so difficult is that pet loss is not appreciated by everyone. Friends and family may ask “What’s the big deal? It’s just a pet!” Some people assume that pet loss shouldn’t hurt as much as human loss, or that it is somehow inappropriate to grieve for an animal. They may not understand because they don’t have a pet of their own, or because they are unable to appreciate the companionship and love that a pet can provide.

• Don’t argue with others about whether your grief is appropriate or not.
• Accept the fact that the best support for your grief may come from outside your usual circle of friends and family members.
• Seek out others who have lost pets; those who can appreciate the magnitude of your loss, and may be able to suggest ways of getting through the grieving process.

Tips for coping with the grief of pet loss

Sorrow and grief are normal and natural responses to death. Like grief for humans, grief for animal companions can only be dealt with over time, but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. Here are some suggestions:

• Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
• Reach out to others who have lost pets. Check out online message boards, pet loss hotlines, and pet loss support groups. If your own friends, family members, therapist, or clergy do not work well with the grief of pet loss, find someone who does.
• Rituals can help healing. A funeral can help you and your family members openly express your feelings. Ignore people who think it’s inappropriate to hold a funeral for a pet, and do what feels right for you.
• Create a legacy. Preparing a memorial, planting a tree in memory of your pet, compiling a photo album or scrapbook, or otherwise sharing the memories you enjoyed with your pet, can create a legacy to celebrate the life of your animal companion.
• Look after yourself. The stress of losing a pet can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. Eat a healthy diet, get plenty of sleep, and exercise regularly to release endorphins and help boost your mood.
• If you have other pets, try to maintain your normal routine. Surviving pets can also experience loss when a pet dies, or they may become distressed by your sorrow. Maintaining their daily routines, or even increasing exercise and play times, will not only benefit the surviving pets but may also help to elevate your outlook too.

I recently found another powerful article that I have had for a long time. It's called, "A Pet’s Ten Commandments" by Stan Rawlinson.  I definitely follow these faithfully.  For those who haven't read it before, I will post it here.

A Pet’s Ten Commandments by Stan Rawlinson

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainments, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don’t understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.

10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can’t bear to watch. Don’t make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

My hope is that somehow/someway, whether it be now or years from now, that this blog will help people in many ways.  In my quest to do things better for Luna, especially in the dry food and carbohydrate department (meaning absolutely no dry food in her diet and low carbohydrate wet food), I continue to come across websites that are not only credible because they are put together by legitimate and credible DVM's, but are full of information that is just not mainstream among all DVM's and it should be! I get that like MD's, DVM's have their hands full, so that makes it hard to keep up, but this information could go so far!  I added another helpful link about pet food. Please take the time to look at it along with catinfo.org.  The new link is http://truthaboutpetfood.com/  

There is a fantastic organization that I would like to help as much as possible. I am adding the link to the links section as well. It's where I got Luna from. The group is called Pantry Four Paws. What makes them unique is that in addition to being a rescue group, they are also a Pet Food Bank. Please check them out and do what you can to help. Once I am back to working, I plan to donate money. Fostering is not something I could ever do emotionally, but I admire each and every individual who has the intestinal fortitude to foster animals. I would turn into an animal hoarder in a matter of days if I ever tried to foster. I would get way too attached to each and every animal I fostered. Again, the link has been added, but please check out http://www.pantryfourpaws.ca/ - They are on Facebook as well. Amazing group of people!

There is so much that I miss about Raven. A big part of me went with her on November 19th, 2014. It's the circumstances that made everything feel so much worse.  I still cry at least once a day, sometimes more.  Even though some believe otherwise, it is okay to still be grieving and there is no set time. Love and a true bond, whether it be animal or human, makes no difference in the grieving process.  Raven really was above and beyond as far as cats go and I have had some very different and special cats.  There is a lot to miss. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I have enough guilt with the circumstances surrounding Raven's death, I don't need to feel guilt as to how long it takes me in the grieving process.  Grief has no timeline whether it's for a human or animal and don't let anyone tell you it does.

That's all for this post. My plan was to bring up more memories, but this one is getting long as it is, so I will leave it for the next post.

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them

Raven's Story - Raven's Bond With V - Part 3

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

It's almost like she's saying, "Don't take my picture!"

This is the third installment of telling the story of the beautiful bond between Raven and her V.  It's hard to believe it's been 9 weeks tomorrow! Time continues to feel like it's standing still. I suppose that boils down to the pain still feeling so fresh that it feels like it just happened a few days ago. I still miss her so much!

I did get another kitten on January 13th and she seemed to have chose me. My friend and I went a good distance to get her and out of herself and two brothers, I was drawn to her and she was drawn to me. I was not 100% ready, but I never would have been, so now was the time for a few reasons. I am definitely still grieving Raven and still cry daily for her.  I knew getting the new little one wouldn't take away the pain, but I hope it will help me focus some of that painful energy elsewhere.  I have a lot of love to give her and I know that. The kitten is ten weeks tomorrow and I have named her Luna.  Actually, somehow she ended up with a middle name from a picture of her on Facebook, so it's Luna Rose.  

Luna Rose

This blog will continue and it will continue to be about Raven's life and my memories of her.  Back to the original subject of this post.

I've already mentioned that V looked after Raven every time I went away. The same applied for whenever V went away. I was then responsible for all three of the furkids - V's dogs, J & C, and Raven. It went way beyond that though. We had a pretty good system going.  If one of us was going to be arriving back later than normal, we could either arrange ahead of time or text the other last minute, to arrange to have the appropriate furkid(s) needs taken care of.  It was definitely comforting to know we didn't have to worry.  It worked out better for Raven anyway since she preferred how V made her dinner.  The furkids all had their separate routines that they knew with both of us and in a lot of cases, those routines were quite a bit different than what they all knew with their appropriate moms.  

I may have touched on this before, but I know I didn't expand on it. Raven was a "hall runner". She got out into the hall as often as she could and she knew all her ways out of her.  If I was doing the litter box, getting the kitchen or bathroom garbage, sorting laundry, putting shoes on in the hall or even if she saw me grabbing my iPod and bag for work, she would go to the door and start "melting down" to get out.  Quite often when she felt like going out in the hall she would go sit at the door and just meow and meow and meow and meow. Raven was relentless. Those "meltdowns" could literally go on for over an hour straight.  Distracting her never worked.  Well, it worked if she got a treat, but then as soon as she was done with the treats, she would go right back to melting down. 

Below is a video of a mild meltdown. Trust me, they got a lot worse than that.

There are several pictures of her hall time.

Raven would bolt out and just roll around.  Sometimes it was hard to get her back in.  Apparently she liked to play "chase me down the hall".  That was never fun when you're trying to leave in the morning and not miss the bus.  Locking her out in the hall didn't matter to her. She would just go about doing her thing until she felt like coming back in.  V used to just prop the door open for her so that she would come back when she was ready or when something startled her.  
The amount of times Raven wanted out increased and got worse after V started looking after her.  Raven knew that for the most part, both V and Auntie Billy would let her out if she sat at the door and freaked out.  Although sometimes when Raven was melting down at the door V would just sit on the couch and say, That's nice, Raven.".  Raven was in her glory once when she had both V and Auntie Billy here at the same time.  She was so over-stimulated with all the love and unlimited hall time that she didn't know what to do with herself.

I've mentioned before that Raven preferred how V made her dinner, so we used to joke that she was going to V's door to ask her to make dinner. We were waiting for her to knock.  Raven was definitely aware that V lived there.  After V moved away mid 2014, Raven stopped going to her door.

Below are some pictures of Raven either heading to or coming from V's door.  The last picture is one V captured from Raven's view of the hall.  V's door was on the left before the tiled floor.

There was an 8 week period in 2013 where V went away, so I was on furkid duty for all three.  It was very interesting to say the least.  All three quickly learned the different set of keys that were used that had a set for both doors.  When I used them on my door, I would hear J start crying and then get up and do the mad dash to go get her toy to bring me. When Raven heard them to lock V's door, she would start screaming at the door because she knew it meant I was coming back and she could bolt out into the hall.  Raven was definitely in her glory with hall time during that 2 month period.

Raven always knew what she could get away with and with whom.  Watching her routines with V both when I was home and away was pretty cool. I think I have mentioned she always knew when V was coming over, but she also knew when she was leaving as well.  Raven would get up and walk V to the door.  Most of that was probably because she knew she would get some hall time, but she would only do it when V was leaving. If V was heading in the same direction to go to the bathroom or kitchen, Raven didn't get up and follow her. Raven also used to have a thing with V's shoes - she'd always lay on them for a period of time before her snuggles and massages with V. Probably to prevent her from leaving. Although, V told me that whenever I was away, Raven would definitely try and stop her from leaving. If I remember correctly she would try and block V in the kitchen and try and block the front door. Of course V would just step over her, but props to Raven for trying.

While I would be away, V would always send the most amazing pictures of Raven. They are all my favorites and will be posted now. Some will be repeats because I have used a few as intro pics on posts.

The two pictures of Raven "admiring" the dolphin pictures on the wall are priceless. I thought maybe V set the shots up with the laser light, but she didn't - it was all natural and a once in a lifetime opportunity photo opportunity.

The tongue sticking out was also a rare photo opportunity.

As was the yawn...

Here are the rest of some of the amazing shots V captured of our beautiful Raven.

So, in closing on the bond between Raven and her V, yes, Raven did indeed have V wrapped around her paw! Their bond will always be remembered and treasured by me.  I'm glad they both had it and I am so honored that I had such an amazing person and friend that I trusted to take such amazing care of my baby.  Thank you, V!

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them

Raven's Story - Grieving Continues - When Will it Get Better?

Raven's Story - In Loving Memory

My original plan was to have this post be the continuation of "Raven's Bond With V", but since the last couple of days have been particularly bad for grieving Raven, I went with this theme instead. My partial OCD nature would prefer to have the posts in some sort of order, but this one will be the exception. The story of Raven and V will continue in the next post.

While my grief might not be quite as intense as 7.5 weeks ago, it's still pretty bad. While right before I go to sleep and as soon as I open my eyes are a given as far as crying goes, there are days where I cry less throughout the day, especially if I am kept occupied by a variety of people and things.  There are days where the tears flow just as much as they did they day she died and the last couple of days have been like that.

I often read the below poem and others that people have sent me over the last couple of months and while they make sense, they don't help me to feel better about this loss. I have had this poem in my possession for almost 10 years as I believe it was given to me after Soleil died. I just don't remember how I ended up with it.  The problem still lies in my guilt feeling.  I am not sure that the "last battle" couldn't have been won anymore and it's too late to find out.

If It Should Be...

If it should be that I grow weak.

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand;

Don't let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years -

What is to come can hold no fears.

You'd not want me to suffer so;

The time has come, so let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend

And please stay with me until the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve - it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We've been so close, we two these years -

Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

My niece sent me the below article the other day and it's greatly appreciated. I edited it to include both the words dog and cat. I also replaced the word, "dog" with, "pet" in the main article.

15 ENCOURAGING THINGS TO REMEMBER AFTER THE LOSS OF A CAT/DOG

"As we wrap up 2014 and look toward 2015, we can’t help but think about all the amazing dogs that have passed on this past year.  The support and friendship offered up to those who lost a pet has been nothing short of amazing and proves that there really is no breed of people better than pet lovers.

While no one can take the heartbreak away, it helps to openly miss our beloved pets and to remember them always.

We like to reflect on the joy that dogs bring and to consider that as our pets watch over us, they would want us to be happy and at peace.

To help you do just that, here are some encouraging things to remember after the loss of your pet.

1.       It’s okay to cry.  Reach out to those who understand your grief and let them hold you up.

2.       You gave your cat/dog the best life possible-you did all you could and had there been a way, they would still be with you.

3.       It is always goodbye. Sometime, someday, we all have to say a final goodbye.  As much as we wish it was not so, some goodbyes come sooner rather than later but it does not change the fact that our cats/dogs are only a temporary gift to treasure here on earth.

4.       Reflect on the ways your cat/dog made you a better person and in their honor, continue to live up to their standards every day.

5.       Laughter is healing. Remember your cat's/dog’s funny antics or even the moments when they were bad and allow yourself to laugh and those warm memories to heal your heart.

6.       It is okay to get angry over the loss of your cat/dog. It is one of the stages of grief. Allow yourself to recognize your emotions.

7.       It’s okay to vent your frustrations, feelings, disappointments, or whatever you are feeling as it helps you process the loss.

8.       While it is true that the passing of time heals, it’s okay to recognize that you are still raw and when those emotions well up, take a moment to remember and miss your cat/dog.  However long it takes.

9.       Sometimes allowing your cat/dog to leave this earth gracefully is the most selfless, final loving act that you can do.  Your cat/dog did not fear death and although it is heart wrenching, allowing your pet to go is love.

10.   Do whatever you need to do to find closure – if you need a funeral, memorial, cremation, burial, to create a memory garden or scrapbook-whatever it is, do it for yourself.

11.   Never feel embarrassed over the feeling you have toward losing your cat/dog. If someone does not understand, find someone who does and share with them.

12.    If you find yourself suffocating in your grief and unable to get past it, there is nothing wrong with finding a support group or counselor to help you through your loss.

13.   Be gentle with yourself.

14.   Recognize that your routine has changed and as you experience the pangs of loss, recognize them for what they are and try to incorporate new activities into those moments.

15.   If and when you’re ready, there will be another cat/dog just waiting to love you.

Losing a pet leaves a huge hole when they are gone and the pain of loss is real. They affect our lives on many levels from friend, companion to protector.  By recognizing how important they are and surrounding yourself with people who understand, things eventually will get better-even though you’ll miss them forever."

I am not convinced I did all I could! I'm more convinced she is gone because of me. That's a tough one to get past.  I know that has been brought up in several blogs, but it is because it's still how I feel. Perhaps in the future someone will read these, still feeling the way I do, and they won;t feel so alone in their feelings.  They won't feel like they shouldn't be feeling a certain way like I do with some of these feelings.  I feel like I should be further ahead than I am and that while people mostly understand, they may not understand why I am still feeling so blah.  I don't know, really - I don't ask them.

I have a great support system and I appreciate each and every one of you! Everything that is said above makes sense, but just doesn't help take the pain away and after almost 8 weeks it feels like it is never going to go away.  

I am at the point where I am considering another cat and have been actively looking. However, I still go back and forth with it so much and really don't know if it is the right time or not.  I honestly don't think I will ever know when I am ready.  I just know that maybe it will help give me something to focus on.  To help take away the 24/7 heartache and focus on Raven.  I know it won't take most of my pain away.  I also have so many fears associated with getting another cat.  Fears of whether there will be a strong bond or not. Fears that even though I know I shouldn't, that I will have expectations because of Raven. I worry I am not making the right decision at the right time. This time there is no clear cut answer as to when I will be ready.  So far it has been hard to find the age range I am looking for.  There are so many black cats out there.  I know black cats are hard to adopt out and I wish my heart could handle it, but I just can't handle a black one right now.  Black cats are amazing, but it's way too soon for me to consider one that is all black.  Black and white, maybe, but not close to solid black like Raven.  It would be too painful.

My neighbor next door, who is quickly becoming a good friend is actively looking as well. She is ready, willing and able to help in any way she can. As I have been considering getting one, I already had it in my mind that I wanted her two-year-old daughter to be part of the socialization process because she is amazing with animals! I witnessed it whenever I would run into her with J & C. That's when she wasn't even close to two-years-old yet.  She is just naturally good and gentle with animals. It's truly beautiful to watch.  With Raven, she was socialized with several people in the beginning of her life and I truly believe that helped.  Part of it was still her personality, but socializing definitely played a part in it.  

So, given that I have given it some thought, you would think that means I have made up my mind and it is just not that easy. At this point, Yes, I want one, but I am terrified and I don't truly know it is the right time.  I also know that the things that were truly "Raven's belongings", will not be given to another cat. I have to start all over with a lot of things.  I am still going back and forth with Raven's dishes, but I don't really think I want another cat having those. I know I want at least one of them going in the shadow box when that gets done.

I miss that beautiful face! I miss her loud purring, her snuggling, her soft fur, her kissy faces, her getting in my face, her constant "talking" and everything else that has been or will be brought up in this blog! I love you, Raven!!!

*For the beginning of the story, see November 2014*

*Disclaimer - I do not proof-read anything I write, so if there are typos, please excuse them
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